News 12/27

Jan 29, 20192 min read

Political Scientists: Population to Fade Away if Government Shut Down Again

Jan 28, 20192 min read

Cupid to Modernize Weaponry

Jan 27, 20192 min read

White Doctor Refuses to Treat Black Man Because Patient "Dead for Six Hours"

Jan 26, 20192 min read

Experts: This Problem Has No Solution, and We Wanted to Ruin Your Day

Jan 24, 20191 min read

TSA Rolls Out New PreCheck Implants

Jan 23, 20193 min read

Drunk Marine Biologists: Fish Just Swim Around in a Big Toilet, if You Think About It

Jan 22, 20192 min read

Study: Sword in Fact Mightier Than Pen

Jan 19, 20192 min read

Residents with Christmas Decorations Still Visible Given 24 Hours to Comply with Season

Jan 18, 20192 min read

Study: Elevators Largely Dissatisfied with Careers

Jan 17, 20191 min read

12-year Study Links Bed-wetting to Poor Bladder Control

Jan 16, 20192 min read

Designated Driver Takes Hard Look at Self

Jan 15, 20192 min read

Increasing Number of Elderly Signed up by Accident for Assisted Suicide, Not Assisted Living

Jan 14, 20192 min read

Valentine’s Day Merchandise Already in Stores to Prolong Suffering of Singles

Jan 10, 20192 min read

Stand-up Comedians Admit Knowing What the Deal Was With All That Stuff

Jan 9, 20192 min read

Maryland Apparently Not a Theme Park

Jan 8, 20192 min read

UK Changes Currency to "Kilogram" to Conform to Metric System

Jan 7, 20192 min read

Delusional Man Wanders Town Claiming to Capture Mystical Creatures with Phone

Jan 5, 20192 min read

Job Interviewer Talks about Conservatism Like Radiation

Jan 4, 20192 min read

Goldfish Resolves to Swim Counterclockwise This Year

Jan 2, 20191 min read

THE COLON

Fake News for Real People