NEW YORK, NY—In what may be the biggest scandal in the history of stand-up comedy, multiple whistle-blowers have come forward to reveal that comedians in the field were secretly aware of the deal with stuff of which they publicly professed ignorance.
For example, multiple sources have come forward to state that Jerry Seinfeld, 64, secretly disclosed to them that he has always known what the deal is with airline peanuts, and that any previous statements that he made in public or private that would indicate otherwise were untrue.
Indeed, observational humor has been especially hard-hit by this undressing. The style that casually and rhetorically asks audience members if they have "ever noticed" various quirks about day-to-day life in the United States, oddities about things that we often take for granted, and social norms that sometimes make for awkward situations, has come under a barrage of fire for misleading audience members about the comedians' true depth of knowledge regarding multiple topics.
Sources suggest that performer Brian Regan, 60, actually knowingly fabricated his ignorance regarding the plural of the word "box" in a famous monologue he has been doing for audiences for decades. The specific allegation is that Mr. Regan exaggerated any difficulties he has with the English language in order to lure audience members into a state of whimsy which he could then exploit for personal financial gain.
The fan-base for stand-up comedy has lashed out against multiple performers amidst these allegations. They cite feeling misled and lied to. One fan, Harold Beuler, 39, of San Diego, stated, "I trusted these [expletive]s. I mean, what kind of a person can stand up there on a stage with a microphone and just spew out lies night after night? It's sickening!"
Beatrice Gaulding, 51, added her thoughts, "I feel violated. I mean, I really appreciated how these brave souls would stand up and openly share their deepest, most embarrassing flaws, and now I don't know what to believe. If you can't trust a comedian, who can you trust?"
Other fans have made efforts to reserve judgement until all of the facts are known. Nolan Warren, 44, shared, "I try to see the good in people. I bet that the spotlight just got too intoxicating for them, and one lie led to another. They just got wrapped up in pretending not to know how airports operate and whatnot. At least, that's what I think."
Thus far, more than 150 stand-up comedians have been accused of bending the truth on stage, but the list continues to grow daily under the hashtag #LaughsNotLies. Although no comedian has yet made a public statement, several shows have been cancelled for undisclosed reasons as the public relations nightmare waxes on.
We at The Colon will continue to provide updates, and we reaffirm our commitment to unbiased truth and fact.