NEW YORK, NY—With the new year bearing down on humanity with impunity, experts warn that there are just a few days left to get all of the depravity out of your system before 2020 rolls around.
"As all people know," said Professor Haley Chesterfield, 41, "the new year offers a time of renewal and reset, where people vow to be better. So it's important that you squeeze out every last bit of hedonistic id-fueled debauchery and perversion before the clock strikes midnight the night of the 31st."
Encouraging everyone to give in to their most lewd and unholy urges for every waking moment, Professor Chesterfield warns that this will likely be your last chance to feel deliciously filthy without guilt before becoming an entirely new, higher being in 2020. "Really, people. Now's the time. Santa's looking the other way, God's busy winding up his clocks, and we all get a clean slate in just a few more days, so go nuts."
Certain that 2020 will be different than all past years of human existence, humanity appears to be working to get out its last few ounces of rage-over-nothing, impatience, racism, selfishness, greed, gluttony, and all other vitiation known to plague our species. They feel sure to awake in 2020 with a new sense of purpose and reverence for the gift of life, and a sense of common purpose and camaraderie with one another.
"But for now, be sure to go totally bananas," said Chesterfield. "Dance naked in the streets, murder your rivals, stuff your pie holes with junk, and say the worst [expletive] words you can think up. This is it."
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