UNITED STATES—Millions of Americans awoke earlier than usual this morning in a futile attempt to fill their lives with some sense of purpose and meaning with material goods.
In their efforts to distract themselves and each other from their impending and inevitable deaths, hordes of people of all ages and walks of life in the United States tore the shiny paper from their sad little boxes as they searched for some temporary pleasure in an item that will ultimately break, get lost, or forgotten. Parents looked upon their quickly-aging children as they opened their meaningless and hollow gifts, attempting to cast out the ever-growing realization that their influence over their lives is fleeting, and that no matter how much though they put into their presents, none of it will make any difference in another 1,000 years.
Through fabricated smiles and rehearsed vocalizations feigning joy and surprise, Americans failed to find just a moment of peace amid the political turmoil, cancel culture, Brexit, and all of the other stresses grating on their minds 24 hours each day.
"Oh, these will go great with my yellow skirt," said Victoria Bellamy, 30, about a pair of earrings she unwrapped, all while straining to hold back tears about her total lack of understanding about her place in the universe, and loss of any notion about some deeper plan to her existence. "I'll go try them on right now!"
Americans quietly announced plans to try again to drown out their internal suffering through drinking and revelry on December 31st.
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