THE COLON
Fake News for Real People
About The Colon
The Colon is a place for people of all nations, nationalities, races, ethnicities, colors, religions, sexual preferences and orientations, ages, political leanings, geography, history, chemistry, astronomy, math, recess...Okay, I've lost my train of thought here. The Colon is a satirical thinktank that strives to push the envelope with humor, puns, and overall silliness. We work to be a place with clean, if sometimes irreverent humor. By day, we are but mild-mannered superheroes and superheroines. At night, we take off the masks and sit at our computers and phones, spewing out the nonsense to which you have now subjected yourself.
Who's in The Colon?
And Why Are They Still In There?
Chief of Telling People What To Do
Ms. Pallendrome is more than qualified to manage a news site because she has appeared on three separate episodes of Cops, but never got officially charged with anything. She is our idol.
Lead Journalogist
Todd was caught fishing in our dumpster late one afternoon. When he introduced himself, he mentioned that he had once read most of a print book. He couldn't remember which one, but that was all we needed to hear.
Pest Control Engineer
Joel wandered into our building one day covered in blood and with this cute look on his face like he knew he wasn't supposed to be there, but we all looked at each other and just went "Aww..." so we kept him around.
Science Corresponding Person
Nora is our resident nerd, which is why she writes about all of the nerd stuff for you nerds who follow nerdy sciency thingies. So what if she has like, three doctorate degrees and speaks five languages? I once ate an entire medium pizza - by myself! You don't see me bragging. Nerd.
Ward of the State
Ash has anterograde amnesia, which is absolutely hilarious. Literally every morning, he's like, "Hi, I'm Ash. Nice to meet you." And we're like, "We know, Ash. We do this literally every morning." You can do anything you want to him. He won't remember.
Writing for a satirical news site is Nolan's backup job, after his attempt at leading a cult ended prematurely. In my opinion, his first mistake was asking followers to sign a release form during orientation. I mean, it said right on the form that joining the cult "will 100% for sure end in the death of the undersigned." Come on.
His second mistake was letting people buy their salvation by "being good people," instead of with cash. Rookie move. Guy was bankrupt in 2 months.
The Origin of The Colon
The Colon was conceived on a cold night in an alleyway in downtown Chicago. I was looking for a place to wipe my hands of the grease from a triple bacon cheeseburger. As I was just about to wipe my hands on my jeans out of total desperation, ruining them forever, a figure stepped out from the shadows. Although his face was not visible in the dark, his voice was deep and comforting as he said, "Give me your wallet, or I will cut you open."
My immediate thought was that bleeding to death in an alleyway on a cold night was probably not worth the $2.15, maxed out credit cards, and two more coupons for triple bacon cheeseburgers I had in my pocket. My second thought was that getting cut open would almost certainly ruin my jeans, and they were the only pair I had, so I'd have to get something else for the funeral. My third thought was that I didn't think I could get my wallet out of my pocket on account of my greasy fingers. But my fourth thought was the important one.
I thought out loud, "This would make a moderately funny origin story for a satirical news site!" The gentleman with the knife and the tendency for threats disagreed with my fourth thought. It's a good thing I didn't share my first three with him!
When I got out of the hospital, I ran the idea by my drinking buddies, who told me it was stupid. And that was the birth of The Colon.
Ms. VanTassle is here as part of a witness protection program. You would think that she'd be better at keeping her secret, but when you leave the details in a lockbox that is easily accessible with a circular saw and crow bar, these things are bound to get discovered. Your move, "VanTassle."
Contributors At-Large
Advice Guru
Cassie comes to us highly recommended. With her qualifications, we had to offer her her own drawer in the break room, labeled "Cassie" and everything. She doesn't even really keep anything in there. Some tea, and a couple of no-calorie sweeteners, or whatever. Not that I snoop around or anything. Don't tell her.
Crafterthought
Ms. Rose lives by the mantra she once saw on-line, "Why buy it for $7 when you can make it with $70-worth of craft supplies?" She doesn't really get irony, and even though her favorite cake is red velvet, we really needed a DIY contributor, so here we are.