BENTONVILLE, AR—Though Christmas and New Year’s Day have come and gone mere weeks ago, retailers across the nation have decided to get an early start on torturing singles this year by stocking Valentine’s Day merchandise in their seasonal aisles. While some singles have reapportioned the holiday as a spurious “Singles’ Awareness Day,” most modern theories of building customer loyalty for the demographic build on the concept of tearing down one’s sense of happiness and self-worth. Target’s “You’re Never Alone When You Have Chocolate” and Walmart’s “Save Money, Live Better—By Yourself For Eternity” Valentine’s Day slogans are prominent modern examples.
Retailers are not the only businesses to prolong the anguish of singles. Following Christmas, some theaters replaced their regular seating with love seats for two, ornate with heart shapes. Several of Bed, Bath, and Beyond’s suppliers are offering mirrors with frames bearing such messages as “I Love Me,” “At Least I Have Myself,” and “I’ll Be Together Forever.” Hallmark released a line of greeting cards called “Selfies” that singles are meant to address to themselves and from themselves. Vicks VapoRub has even released a Valentine’s Day-themed tear suppressant that hides one’s emotional distress from friends, family, and colleagues, thereby drawing out the process for months until the single eventually collapses as an emotional train wreck without resolve. Additionally, some restaurants and other establishments have perennial special pricing for couples so that singles can look on in dismay year round without any permanent relief.
Conversely, some establishments prolong the pain of loneliness and instill the fear of dying alone in more positive ways. For instance, the branding of Planet Fitness as a “judgment-free zone” provides patrons with a seeming respite, the establishment allowing them to cry in the changing rooms because of how overweight they are compared to other patrons or the general populace instead of sobbing because of how they will never know true love; however, there is no judgment or comfort, though occasionally Planet Fitness does provide free bagels or pizza. However, more ominous marketing, such as Rogaine’s “Hope is Vain. Try Rogaine” Valentine’s Day packaging, seems just as effective for curtailing any joy singles may experience or claim; in the case of Rogaine, the effects of such marketing do not seem mitigated by a single’s amount of hair.
With Valentine’s Day just one month away, couples can take solace in not being alone. For singles, there’s always a heart-shaped pizza or a pint of ice cream to binge, whether between tears or with Vicks tear suppressant.