MOUNT OLYMPUS, GREECE—Following his millennia of wielding now outdated weapons, Cupid or Eros—the god of desire, erotic love, attraction, and affection—has announced plans to modernize his arsenal. The news comes as earth’s population and need for love continue to expand beyond the limited capabilities of a single, winged entity with a bow, arrows, and a torch. Cupid, age unknown, had much to say in poetic form during his press release:
“Alas, my arsenal of love,
Though I fly with haste as the dove,
Hath not the scope to reach all men;
Behold, I will upgrade it, then.”
In other words, as translated by our poets, Cupid’s bow, arrows, and torch have become an obsolete mode for delivering feelings of affection to the masses in the modern world. Though they worked in the ancient and classical periods, symbolizing that love wounds and inflames the heart, such armaments are typically small-scale, though the torch has set whole towns ablaze with desire prior to renovation for fire safety. Cupid continued:
“Verily, both uranium
And her sister, plutonium,
Bringing destruction at the touch,
For my errand become too much.”
That is, the winged god of love believes that nuclear weapons would be too destructive in matters of the heart even if he had access to weapons-grade plutonium or uranium. Additionally, he believes that such weapons of mass destruction lack the personal delivery to which he is accustomed. Cupid offered some suggestions concerning of what his new warfare will consist:
“AR-15 with bayonet,
Tactical drone with route preset,
Helicopter or fighter jet,
Each is a most valued asset.”
Apparently, Cupid is considering a lightweight semi-automatic rifle akin to the AR-15, which will allow him shoot multiple targets successively and rapidly as opposed to his bow and arrows, which were relatively tedious and sluggish to use though as deadly. Additionally, it is appropriate that the god of love would choose an AR-15 style rifle to represent his mission as it is one of the most beloved and most vilified of rifles in the United States, much like love is simultaneously beloved and vilified. Likewise, tactical drones, helicopters, and fighter jets would provide Cupid with air superiority as well as access to additional precision targets. A helicopter-mounted machine gun would also allow for greater efficiency as Cupid would not have to fatigue his own wings to fly into a populated area and “mow down” its adult inhabitants; even napalm could be used to replace his torch. Cupid concluded by apologizing for a past mistake:
“No more do youth feel my wrath
As in the longtime aftermath
When Baby New Year felt my burn
And like the Phoenix would return.”
In other words, Cupid no longer targets minors in combat because of the moral implications and apparently because he had affected Baby New Year, who had to be put down at the end of the year, thus starting our annual or yearly cycle of his death and rebirth. Thus, teenagers are affected purely by hormones or other factors.
With his new weaponry to be implemented for the holiday only weeks away, Cupid will be able to ensure that every Valentine’s Day henceforth will be a Valentine’s Day “Massacre.”