WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following Friday’s agreement to reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue, the nation’s political scientists warned yesterday that another government shutdown could have dire consequences for the populace. The news conference included many prominent political scientists from various backgrounds and fields who cited numerous studies, articles, op-ed pieces, and movies relating the nature and scope of the danger.
“Without reservation, we can say that another government shutdown is the greatest single threat to the American people at this time,” Dr. Dallin Ibrahim, theoretical political physicist from Brown University, commented. “Government has predated and is greater than the population it serves. Without a fully operational government to maintain the political and physical cohesion of its citizens, they will begin to fade out of existence in troves. The first week, hundreds of thousands will disappear before our eyes. By the end of the second week, millions will have faded from the visual spectrum of this world.” Dr. Cynthia Roberts, a political biochemist as well as CEO and administrator of the political laboratory BioGov, confirmed Ibrahim’s remarks and elaborated.
“The American population won’t be the only ones to fade away,” Roberts stated. “Any American citizens abroad will depart slowly from this universe. Even businesses, roads, the electrical grid, and other infrastructure will fade away without the legislation and monetary funding of the federal government. The only humans to remain in the United States will be foreign citizens, especially illegal immigrants who are already here, though it is unclear whether Native American tribes will transition away, also. Furthermore, without a government and any sort of border patrol or wall, additional immigrants will have nothing to impede their entrance into the territory. Heck, they won’t even be illegal if there is no government. Even the laws of nature and physics may be frustrated without a government to give them form and regulation.”
Roberts added that this disaster would occur much in the same way as expressed in the movie, Back to the Future, wherein Marty McFly’s siblings slowly faded from a photograph as the timeline was changed. However, Roberts cautioned that the process would accelerate if that hypothetical shutdown lingered, causing individuals and whole communities to disappear in an instant, not unlike some Jedi from the Star Wars movies. Every memory and mention of the United States will eventually cease to exist; the once-extant nation will never be referenced again, forgotten in time and funding.