EL PASO, TX—Peter Gundrake, 47, professor of history at The University of Texas at El Paso (UTEP), recently published the findings of a 6-month interdisciplinary study, reporting that small ink-based writing implements are less mighty than bladed weaponry. "It mostly started as a joke," notes Gundrake. "Sam[uel] Fotheringham in the English department kept going on and on about how 'the pen is mightier than the sword' or whatever, so I said 'well [expletive] Sam, let's put it to the test!'"
The experimental study, which required involvement from the university's metallurgical and materials engineering, anthropology, and nursing departments, compared pens and swords in a number of metrics. Tensile and compressive strengths, actuarial data, and even controlled combat tests were utilized in determining which implement is mightiest. Nearly 200 undergraduate research participants sustained at least minor injuries during the "gladiator-style" round of experimentation, though the number of fatalities is yet unconfirmed. Surprisingly, the UTEP Institutional Review Board (IRB) approved the study with a full understanding of the danger to participants. IRB officers admit that they hoped for higher casualties in the English department.
"I encouraged our students to be creative in their use of pens," says Fotheringham, "perhaps by writing hurtful quips and word problems to distract their enemies, or splashing the ink in their opponents' eyes, but the darned things just weren't designed for combat. Something about being in the thick of a fight makes one less inclined to take offense at words, assuming they even read the written insults. And there's just not enough ink in a pen to weaponize it. They have about as much ink as my ex-wife has warm blood; enough to function, but not enough for it to affect anyone else."
"Hands down, the swords drew way more blood than the pens ever did," reports Gundrake. "Didn't matter what the pairing was, whether fountain pen and shortsword, ball point and plastic lightsaber, I only saw one of our participants even land a blow with a pen, but that kid is bat-[expletive] crazy! I think the results have been pretty conclusive."
In related news, the university has revealed plans to expand the chamber where combat tests were conducted and begin selling tickets. Individuals will be able to pay to watch undergraduates sparring until a participant yields or dies. Winners in the arena will be awarded free tuition for a semester, with the opportunity to continue competing. These gladiatorial matches are expected to yield 460% of the annual revenue that the football team does.