WASHINGTON, DC—Lawmakers announced yesterday that the nation will no longer celebrate Valentine’s Day every year but will instead celebrate the holiday of love once every seven years starting in 2023. Inspired by the pon farr of Star Trek’s Vulcans, senators from both sides of the aisle stated that delaying physical desire and intercourse in such a manner will help decrease the crime rate as well as the emotional instability of citizens. Such a delay between Valentine’s Day celebrations may have several other beneficial consequences.
“For far too long, we have been encumbered by our emotions,” Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN) commented while wearing fake, pointy ears. “Focusing on our work and logic generally will allow us to have more efficient workers and should provide a much-needed boost to STEM [science, technology, engineering, and mathematics] fields over time. Additionally, we will not have the overpowering hormone imbalance that the Vulcans experience roughly every seven years for their pon farr.”
Senator Maria Cantwell (D-WA), dressed as a Klingon warrior from Star Trek: The Next Generation, praised Alexander’s statements, adding, “Also, this way we can ensure that we’re with the right significant other for the holiday and there is less pressure to find someone last minute to date. Heck, even if a person forgets the holiday six out of seven times, everything will be alright. If only wedding anniversaries and birthdays were this easy!”
In an act of support and solidarity with Congress, President Trump changed the name of the U.S. Space Force to the U.S. Star Fleet. He was later seen wearing a golden, original series command uniform as he wished everyone a happy Valentine’s Day in 2023.