NEW YORK CITY, NY—Shocking developments in international policy regarding North Korea have arisen in the wake of a shocking announcement from the Asian power late last night. Having released a video showing Santa Claus in the custody of North Korean personnel, Kim Jong-Un promised Santa's liberation on the condition that a list of the Korean dictator's demands are met.
The circumstances of Saint Nicholas's initial detainment are unclear, though general consensus agrees that he must have inadvertently entered North Korean airspace while practicing his delivery route before being shot down by air defense forces and dragged from his vehicle's wreckage. The Colon security consultant Gunnar Danger speculates "the big guy was probably doing his yearly practice run like usual, but maybe spent a little too much time 'eating cookies' in Turkmenistan or something and had to cut some corners on his way to Southeast Asia. Y'know, to stay on schedule. He knows about the ban on travel through North Korea, but probably rationalizes, thinking 'it's only a few miles, I'll be in and out before they know it, I've got a timetable to keep.' But Rudolph's nose acts like a [expletive] lighthouse, and all hell breaks loose, mortars explode all around him, and first Comet drops, then Cupid, and then the whole sleigh comes crashing down. Next thing he knows, he's eating kimchi in a North Korean prison."
Public outcry, rioting, and threats have flooded social media in the backlash of these startling events, just one week before Christmas. Recognizing the volatility of the situation, the United Nations has formed a special team to proceed with negotiations for terms of Santa's release. Their preliminary statement reads "Kris Kringle, who is classified by UNESCO as a living cultural treasure, must be reclaimed for the good of Christmas and goodwill in general. Without Santa, who represents the very essence of Christmas, we cannot possibly celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ the way it ought to be, so we will spare no means in attempting to free him."
Kim Jong-Un's demands include a solo dance recital from the leaders of each country in the United Nations while wearing clothes of his choosing, a double date with Jennifer Aniston, John Krasinski, and Emily Blunt, knighthood from the Queen of England, a joint musical performance from Taylor Swift and Kanye West on his birthday, juggling lessons, the KFC secret chicken recipe, the privilege of hosting the 2022 Winter Olympics, and a weekly delivery of Little Caesar's pizza every Friday, among others. A highly-trained team of hostage negotiators will begin talks with North Korean governmental leaders next week to sue for Santa's release.
While negotiations proceed, the elves of the North Pole are enjoying their downtime, claiming it to be "the first time in centuries [they] haven't had to make [expletive] toys for little [expletive] kids 60 hours a week." The Easter Bunny has volunteered to handle the global delivery run this year while Saint Nick is incarcerated, though economists anticipate with fear the long-term impact that Santa's absence will have on the North Pole as well as global society.