IRVINE, CA—Local resident and very hungry restaurant patron, Kyle Halloway, 32, was innocently enjoying a meal at a diner near his home on Tuesday when an unsettling series of events played out.
The city planner began his meal as he usually does: beginning with the consumption of his potatoes cooked in the French manner, or "French fries" to the layman.
"I like to eat the fries first," said Halloway, in a pointless and off-putting addition to the conversation.
This particular order of fries, although prepared correctly, was perhaps a little saltier than usual, or may have lost more of the oil in which they were fried. It may also have been that Halloway, ignorant of proper nutrition, had neglected to drink enough water throughout the morning, leaving his mouth dry. In any case, as Halloway swallowed fry after fry, barely chewing before muscling them down into his gaping stomach, he soon was in an awkward position.
"Uh oh," commented the oaf, apparently referring to the fact that it was becoming difficult to swallow the fries.
The board game enthusiast was then faced with a choice, the consequences of which would shape the remainder of his meal. He would either need to start putting ketchup or some other sauce on his fries, or he would need to wash down what was now sticking to his mouth and throat with some of his soft drink.
The dilemma was exacerbated by Halloway's desire to eat his cheeseburger while it was still hot, so he began to panic as he weighed the options.
"On the one hand, I prefer the taste of fries without the ketchup. I like how they're kind of salty, and I don't like how the ketchup gets them less crispy," shared the intellectual enigma who somehow made it out of both high school and college.
"But on the other hand, I really like to save as much of my soda as I can. I like to take sips at it while I'm walking around," he admitted for reasons that are unclear.
In this classic example of Sophie's choice, Halloway was abandoned to wrestle with the unthinkable consequences of either option. Fearing his cheeseburger may be slightly less palatable should he delay the decision any longer, Halloway broke into a sweat.
On the verge of tears, and about 12 full seconds into his most trying moment of the week, Halloway realized that he can refill his beverage at any time he chooses.
"Duh!" he noted, with a slap to his forehead that could be heard from across the street.
Halloway greedily gulped down his carbonated beverage, and then proceeded to shovel the remainder of his fried and sliced potatoes into his pie hole.
As of press time, Halloway could be seen holding his newly-refilled cup as he walked around with a big, stupid grin.