PHOENIX, AZ—Hundreds of tortoises from across the southwestern United States led a slow and steady march on the state capitol this week, halting traffic for the better part of three days. Once at their destination, the terrestrial reptiles released a statement calling for social reform, more specifically demanding proper recognition of their kind as separate and distinct from turtles.
Out of laziness or ignorance, humans often refer to all shelled reptiles as "turtles," although this term traditionally refers to those that are at least semi-aquatic, while land-dwelling members of the phylogeny are considered "tortoises." As a result of their alternative lifestyle, tortoises occupy very different niches from those of turtles in their respective and varied habitats and are now calling for more official distinction.
According to spokes-tortoise Pokey Gophersun, 48, "The practice of generalizing is inaccurate and insulting to the non-turtle Testudines, the tortoises and terrapins.... We can no longer abide being lumped into a stereotypical group of water-loving hippies." The Sonoran desert tortoise and cricket enthusiast continued, "We tortoises work hard to survive in harsh conditions, only to be mistaken for our softer-shelled beach bum cousins. How would you people feel if you were called 'monkeys' all the time? That's basically what you're doing to us every day."
Gophersun's plea to humans everywhere—or at least the few dozen present at the capitol at the time—was to "teach [their] children that [tortoises] are real and distinct from turtles, with real and valid feelings."
"If you're going to label us, at least get it right. Come on, It was 'The Tortoise and the Hare,' not 'The Turtle and the Hare' for [expletive]'s sake!"