WASHINGTON, DC—In the desperate attempt for democratic presidential candidates to each appear more woke than each other, a suggestion has surfaced and quickly garnered support that would establish an agency that would seek to prevent questionable speech and even thoughts. Although the details of the plan are only slowly emerging, here is what has been proposed so far:
The agency will be called the "Thought Purification Force." It is touted as having citizens' best interests at the core of its mission, but will have broad authority to enforce standards of speech and thoughts.
Evidence of violations of thought or speech standards will be obtained through social media posts or comments, private emails, text messages, or conversations. When no such evidence can be immediately accessed, other sources may include the demographics of one's associates, employees, coworkers, and so on.
Violations of acceptable thoughts or speech include speech that could be in any way interpreted as disparaging or offensive to any person or living thing in any way. Additionally, any hesitation or delay in condemning such speech will also be interpreted as a violation of the acceptable thoughts criteria.
This proposed agency is not unprecedented, of course, given similar stances against speech and thought that currently exist in the United Kingdom. It would, however, require large changes to a little-known legal document some call the "bill of rights." Candidates are eager to finally do away with the archaic practice of allowing people to think or say things that are not in line with what's in vogue.
Although there is some concern over whether such authority would be abused by a centralized power, the democratic front-runners assure the public that violating the standards would not be punished. Indeed, having thoughts or speech deemed incorrect would not even require a trial. Thought offenders would receive an all-expenses-paid trip to a secure facility that would introduce them to various exercises, physical experiences, and educational materials to assist them in adopting the correct thoughts and speech.
Additionally, it is only reasonable that anyone who has had such a violation be publicly branded with some outward indicator, such as an armband with a symbol of sorts, so that everyone around them can be vigilant about that person's thoughts and speech, and correct them should they need any assistance with it.