HAMMOND, IN—Experts across the nation have reached a consensus that my 12-year-old daughter is incapable of closing the front door.
The greatest minds of our time have come together to reveal that in literally every trial that has ever been run, and in all possible circumstances where the phenomenon could be tested, even after controlling for every other variable, the young pre-teen living in my home completely lacks the ability to secure the front door.
These brilliant individuals offered no explanations, however, for why such a deficit should appear. This same young person is bright, talented in many areas, and has no problem opening the same door when the need arises. Indeed, she appears to understand the concept of door closing, as she passed multiple written tests on door-closing behavior. She can verbally respond to questions regarding the advantages of closing a door, particularly in hot or cold weather. Yet, somehow, when presented with a scenario in which she or someone else has opened the door and she passes through it or walks past it, there is ostensibly no reason to suspect that she can then exert the minimal amount of effort required to then close the door.
As of press time, the scientists could offer no hope other than to consider a system of springs or other automation. They also offered a devastating observation that my 9-year-old son is beginning to show signs of the same phenomenon.