WASHINGTON, DC—Following the recent government shutdown and President Trump’s subsequent declaration of a national emergency on the country’s southern border, border security has been hot on the minds of the nation. Scrapped alternative ideas for border security have come to light from a disbanded, bipartisan congressional committee tasked with brainstorming potential solutions before and during the shutdown. Below are some of the most prominent developments and analysis.
Lava pit—While lawmakers believed that this would dissuade immigrants initially, in theory, they acknowledged that implementation would be difficult in the short term as transportation of an entire, volcanically active portion of the earth’s crust would be costly and time-consuming. Artificial lava pits were discussed but the constant, overwhelming energy requirements—and Democratic resolve that only wind or solar be used to heat or power the melting flows—led to the idea being discarded.
Heads impaled on pikes—Dollar per foot, this would be a less-expensive alternative to a continuous wall as a pike or pole would be required only every few meters along the border, though it may be more effective if there were additional pikes behind. If there were insufficient human or animal heads to decrease morale or otherwise send a gut-wrenching fear of death into prospective illegal immigrants, impaled piñatas or old Cabbage Patch Kids may be a suitable replacement.
Moat with gators or crocs—The appeal of this deterrence method is in the use of wildlife; the border patrol essentially lets nature work in America’s behalf. However, as with the wall or lava pit, the moat would have to run the entire course of the border and may require larger dimensions with sufficient alligators or crocodiles. Additionally, it is unclear whether the reptiles could withstand environmental conditions across the length of the U.S.-Mexico border or if the water level would remain deep enough and with the proper salinity for the animals. Another idea involved small pits between portions of the completed wall; these would harbor lions, tigers, bears, porcupines, skunks or other animals. Makeshift bridges would prove to be a problem no matter what was chosen.
Surplus WWII mines—Both parties assumed that we would still have had a large stockpile of these for dense deployment across the southern border. However, replacing them after detonation would prove problematic even if there were sufficient quantities.
Annoying music and separated children—While constantly playing, discordant or otherwise disturbing music would have less-stringent energy requirements than an artificial lava pit, it would prove ineffective of itself as illegal immigrants with hearing loss or hearing protection would be unaffected. Even that annoying Baby Shark Dance song that is all the rage on YouTube would not be enough. However, having illegal immigrant children stand on the border without their families may prove an effective visual deterrent, especially if they are crying and holding a teddy bear. However, there may not be enough children separated from their families to merit full performance.
Garbage and raw sewage—Americans generate a lot of waste of various forms. The stench, appearance, and biohazard of such waste would discourage even the person with the most iron of constitutions. This option is attractive because it would cost relatively little, aside from land requisition. However, some worry that it would require a deep installation or much real estate to prevent people from digging below and across it.
While it remains as yet unclear how illegal immigration from Mexico will be stymied by the government, the homeless population near the border, litter all over, and graffiti on completed portions of the wall will show illegal immigrants the quality of life that Americans experience and to which they can look forward.