MOUNT OLYMPUS, GREECE—Fewer than 24 hours before the holiday dedicated to love, the nations of the world announced this morning that Valentine’s Day will have to be delayed due to a supply shortage of diapers in Cupid’s size. The announcement could not have come at a worse time for the billions of earth’s population who are sorely in need of love, but experts explained that there are serious production and logistical issues necessitating the change. Michael D. Hsu, chairman and CEO of Kimberly-Clark Corporation, addressed the debacle in a public letter.
“Our Huggies brand disposable diapers, including our Pull-Ups training pants for transitioning toddlers, are typically intended for youngsters,” Hsu wrote. “However, as with the other diaper-producers around the world, we have dedicated a substantial portion of our production to a fit appropriate for the winged warrior of love, Cupid [AKA Eros]. These are known as size P-2, the ‘p’ referring to the ‘p’ in Greek pantheon and the 2 to the number of love.
“Fortunately for business, Cupid and other diapered, supernatural beings have a high demand for our products. In fact, Cupid alone accounts for the vast majority of our business. This is due in part to his high metabolism, which is needed to support him in swift flight across the globe. Unfortunately, this also means that production and distribution delays can be far worse. We have barely been able to keep up with demand for the winged messenger—or warrior—of love. As earth’s human population continues to grow, so does Cupid’s minimum diaper requirement and the need for proper planning of his flight and diaper-changing route. Regrettably, we have all fallen short this year and now we will all suffer as a result.
"Some may wonder why we do not use a replacement or understudy. We have grappled with this concern for millennia. Our second option or 'Plan B' was Hermes, but he is known for trickery and couldn't shoot an arrow accurately to save his immortal life. Our 'Plan C' was Venus due to her experience with all things love but she has flat out rejected any participation in such a project, claiming that it is beneath her. Those really were the only other options at this point as the rest of the Pantheon is tied up with other endeavors this time of year."
With the current diaper shortage and other logistical issues, Cupid will be remaining in the confines of Mount Olympus, likely in a bathroom or changing room. Valentine’s Day will commence if and when these issues are resolved, though analysts worry that it may not be for several years.