WASHINGTON, D.C.—Leaked footage from the Democratic Party’s headquarters surfaced last week, confirming that the real reason Democrats want more illegal immigrants in the country is not to provide additional opportunities or social services but, rather, to drain them of their life-force and thereby ensure the longevity of party leadership. The audio and video recordings confirm the decades-old suspicion of many Americans that the party leadership was a bunch of bloodsuckers, specifically vampires or another type of malicious being that preys on the weak and unsuspecting of society.
Regrettably, authorities report that the evidence is not sufficient enough to indict even a single person for wrongdoing and it does not help that many illegal immigrants have few loved ones in the country or sufficient ties to the community to be missed. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi confirmed all accusations in a press conference Sunday, further detailing the extent of the long-term plot.
“Listen, we don’t care whether there’s a wall or not,” Pelosi stated. “Granted it would be easier if there were no wall or border security of any kind. However, either way, illegal immigrants will come here searching for work and other opportunities and, frankly, it is cheaper and easier for us that way because they will be undocumented and few questions will be asked when they go missing or if their prune-dry carcasses are found. The less documentation, the better. An additional bonus is that those whose sweet, sweet blood we don’t suck may stay, gain their own version of the American dream, and vote for us.” Pelosi further explained that the Democratic Party is the oldest and largest organization of monsters in the country, though only the leadership is comprised of the vampire-like beings. The rest of the party consists of the hypnotized masses, acolytes mind-controlled by their liberal powers of social policy and often found with glazed eyes while mumbling such platitudinous campaign aphorisms as “yes we can,” “for the people,” and “a better deal.”
“Actually,” Pelosi continued, “while we enjoy the texture of illegal immigrants’ blood (oh so thick and hearty), we don’t have to drink it. In that way, we’re kind of like the Yamachichi of Japanese folklore, draining the essence of a person in a single night through their breath. And you know what, these illegal immigrants will continue to come to our headquarters and various satellite locations because they think they’re safe or that we somehow support them. In a sense, we do support illegal immigrants in that we want more of them here and by draining them of their lives they become a part of us for eternity.
“Oh, and you want to know the true purpose behind self-identification in job interviews, college applications, and census data? It’s all to determine whose disappearance would be least conspicuous. We used to ask for blood types on those documents because of the difference in consistency between them but decided it was easier to go through our agents who work for us in HIPAA and other health organizations around the country.”
Madame Speaker Pelosi finished her remarks by asking emphatically, “What can you, freaking mortals, do about it? We’re legally unaccountable. These people are here illegally. No one cares whether they live or die; the Democratic Party certainly doesn’t care after feeding time.”