By James Calvin—On Tuesday, January 22, in the year of our Lord 2019, at approximately 12:56 post meridian, one Irving Richardson approached me at my desk at the local office of Meridian Insurance and accused me of having stolen his lunch that he brought from home. Among his accusations were that I (a) knowingly did go through the break room refrigerator, (b) selected his lunch specifically for some deep resentment, (c) ate the egg salad sandwich he made last night, and then (d) tried to cover up what I had done by casually returning the lunch bag to said refrigerator and returning to my desk like nothing had happened. I hereby publicly declare that these allegations are gross misrepresentations of the afternoon in question, and I am writing to clear my good name. As to item (a), it is true that I went through the break room refrigerator. I did so with the intention of perusing the items that people had brought from home. In my defense, however, I fully expected to find nothing appetizing in the slightest. As to item (b), I did not specifically select Mr. Richardson's lunch, although I will admit that I was rather jealous of the egg salad sandwich he had the previous week, and I wondered if perhaps I could taste it. So yes, okay, in that sense I suppose I do harbor some resentment that he brings good lunches sometimes and I am often stuck with peanut butter and jelly. Sue me. As to item (c), yes, while it is true that I ate his sandwich, it wasn't even that good. I mean, who makes egg salad and then skimps on the rosemary? I ask you, was Mr. Richardson raised in a barn, that he does not have the decency to taste his egg salad to ensure that adequate amounts of rosemary are present before releasing it to the public? If anything, I am the victim here. As to item (d), I made no attempt to hide what I had done. I did not want to consume his Diet Coke and sour-cream-and-onion potato chips still left in the container, as I preferred the apple juice I brought myself. I carefully folded the lunch sack back to the way I found it, as would any considerate coworker. I then returned it to the location where I found it.
On a personal note, I find it repulsive that I am harassed at my place of work for eating food that was placed in a public refrigerator. Perhaps Mr. Richardson is unfamiliar with the English language, but "public" means that it is open for everyone's use. Therefore, I simply "used" its public contents which contained the egg salad sandwich. Would Mr. Richardson also accuse me of theft if I drove home on public roads in his car? He was more than welcome to peruse through the other publicly available goods, such as the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I made that morning. If Mr. Richardson truly had wanted to reserve that lunch for his own consumption, perhaps he should have clearly indicated that by writing "NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE" below his name on the lunch bag. Otherwise, all it communicates to the hungry peruser is who brought the food. In closing, I ask you, is this the sort of world we want to live in? Where we will berate and embarrass every hungry person who had the audacity to nourish themselves? Do we want to teach our children that those who have egg salad have no obligation to feed those who do not have egg salad? Can we sit idly by while the world's rosemary supply goes not enjoyed? I, for one, do not wish to live in such a world. Thank you for your time.