VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis is experiencing a crisis of faith this Christmas season since discovering at the age of 81 that Santa Claus is fictitious. Master of Pontifical Liturgical Celebrations Guido Marini explained that he has taken care of the Vatican Christmas gifts, stockings, and decorations every year since Francis became pope in 2013. “His Holiness was in his 70s at the time and still believed in Santa Claus, so I saw no harm in keeping up the charade for his sake.”
It came crashing down when the Pope entered Marini’s office twelve days ago to find him wrapping gifts “from Santa,” sparking a tearful confrontation about the gifts and why the Pope’s letter to Santa was still there and not on its way to the North Pole. “We made it through five Christmas mornings without hiccups, but now that His Eminence has seen me performing my Santa duties, the cat’s out of the bag.”
The Pope seems to be taking the revelation poorly. “I’m really worried about him,” Marini shared. “He’s been questioning his belief in everything since then, including his own position as Pope and whether God isn’t a sham as well. We haven’t had the heart to tell him about the Easter Bunny.”
It is unclear how Pope Francis’s mood will affect the traditional Christmas Eve Cardinal slumber party at The Vatican, but updates will be provided as they are received.