SANTA’S WORKSHOP, SANTAISTIC REPUBLIC OF THE NORTH POLE—Growing weary of centuries of pretense and frontage, the former “Father Christmas,” Chairman and High Priest Santa Claus, has cast off all semblance of—and ties to—Christianity as he announced a new religion. The news shocked many Christians around the world, particularly with Christmas in only a few weeks. Though many Christians have historically viewed Santa as a symbol of the season, others have felt that he overshadowed the message and meaning of Christmas. Santa’s ostentatious commercialism and superhuman abilities have only exacerbated the problem.
The new religious government, called Santaism, borrows heavily from various religions and Orwellian dystopian concepts. Santa, who is now the chairman of the recently reorganized Santaistic Republic of the North Pole, is the authoritarian leader of the religion and goes by the appellation of “Big Brother.” He has replaced all Christmas decorations with Santaistic images and paraphernalia; he has even replaced his traditional sleigh and reindeer with a lavish and showy vertical-lift plane. His “elf on the shelf” program allows for surveillance of his followers’ children; many individuals of other traditions are under Santa’s control as a result of their imprudence in having such an “elf on the shelf.”
Tenets of the new faith are expanding but may be summarized in the description of its creeds and principles. Virtues include complete faith in Santa, obedience to his demands, unrestrained materialism, opulence, and hedonism with particular emphasis on Epicurean gluttony. To add to the religion, Santa’s Elven priests have built centers of worship, called workshops, around the globe; acolytes are to walk in a circle around a fire while chanting repeatedly, “ho, ho, ho!” Additionally, adherents are to pray to Santa, their center of worship. Thanksgiving has even been reappropriated as a Turkey sacrifice, meant to thank him for the abundance of the year while appealing for another year of life. Cookies and milk are to continue yearly on Christmas Eve, renamed Santa’s Day, so that Santa, also known as “the angel of death,” will pass over and spare the firstborn of each household.
While some theologians, parents, and children, are hopeful that Santa will now deliver presents to non-Christians and some parents are glad that they no longer have to lie to their children about Santa, not everyone is on board. Some worry about his excessive brutality and lack of actual moral principles generally. Furthermore, followers of Satan have already filed a lawsuit contending that Santaism is an anagram of Satanism.