STUDIO CITY, CA—With the Christmas season in full swing, dozens if not hundreds of Americans will notice something off about the Hallmark Channel movies playing in the background while they decorate their homes. While this year's lineup boasts the usual cheesy, heartwarming, and predictable stories of finding love in the most unlikely places, the studio has had to scramble to adjust to a shortage of blonde actresses this year.
"I noticed something was off when casting calls started for this year's lineup," explained Hallmark casting director Penny Perry. "Usually more than ninety percent of the gals that try out are blonde, but this time around there were just four or five of them, and they weren't in the best condition. We had to settle for a bunch of brunettes and even a redhead," bemoaned Perry.
Upon further investigation, Hallmark discovered that its crop of blonde actresses had been struck with a specific strain of blight that causes brown splotching on the skin and hair of fair young ladies. There is no known cure for the affliction, and treatment options are limited. For the time being, experts are recommending relocation of "blighted blondes" to quarantine colonies until the exact nature of the disease can be determined.
Studios, including Hallmark and Netflix are investing heavily in hair bleaching technology and genetic research to produce more resistant crops for future holiday movie seasons.