BETHESDA, MD—Responding to popular opinion and vast amounts of threatening mail, Congress recently passed a motion to rename the Thanksgiving holiday as "Pie Christmas." Thanksgiving, which is understood to be the gatekeeper and bookend of the Christmas season, has finally been consumed by the relentless mania of self-proclaimed "Christmas fanatics."
The primary proponent of the movement to expand Christmas's domain has been the Christian Christmas Association of America (CCAA). They have been advocating this kind of change for decades, successfully pushing the original "Twelve Days of Christmas" to over thirty. Until now, the Yuletide holiday has been restricted only by Thanksgiving, and even that boundary was tenous; thanks to efforts from the CCAA and several large marketing firms, Christmas campaigning begins as early as August in isolated contexts, and it is now expected to begin even earlier as a result of Pie Christmas.
Other proposed names for Pie Christmas included "Practice Christmas," "First Christmas," "Turkey Christmas," "Christmas: Round One," and "Christmenos." Though these appellations did not make the final cut, we can expect them to come up again in future holiday appropriations.
Critics of the change have expressed displeasure at the prospect of "obnoxious Christmas songs" playing on the radio for even longer spans of the year. "I already can't stand other people listening to peppy music in winter, but now I have to put up with it in fall, too?" state soulless people everywhere. They also decry the diminishing value that the Christmas season would have if prolonged, claiming that the holiday season is special because it is not the usual state of affairs. And that's not even mentioning the clear shift in the focus of the holiday from gratitude to food consumption.
"Pie Christmas is a tremendous victory for the cause," responds the head of the CCAA, Peter McManus. "Since the foundation of the Association, our goal has been to increase the amount of Christmas cheer in the country by any means necessary. We figure that spreading the Christmas label over the year is the best way to do that. Some people object that 'if every day is Christmas, no day is.' But that's the talk of miserly Scrooges. I dream of a day when I can turn on the radio and hear nothing but Carol of the Bells covers and Mariah Carey, where we can drown religious sentiment in commercialism and material possessions year-round, and where the oppressive weight of finding meaningful gifts for near-strangers is ever-present."
In the wake of the announcement, Halloween has become a bulwark against Christmas encroachment, as well as its new greatest target. McManus remarks, "Oh yes, we have big plans for Scary Christmas in motion already."