ANKARA, TURKEY—Executive President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of the Republic of Turkey released an official statement yesterday to the global community, in which he detailed a number of the concerns his nation faces. Chief among them was "thinly-veiled American aggression against [his] people, repeated every November."
Citing the annual tradition of slaughtering and consuming Melleagris gallopavo, or the domestic turkey, Erdoğan condemned the actions of American society. "We know that America is a capitalist superpower as well as a haven of bigotry, but we can no longer abide this blatant disrespect to the Turkish Republic." Reportedly, the roughly 46 million turkeys consumed during the American Thanksgiving holiday have been perceived by Turkey as a show of U.S. power, a symbolic representation of America's relationship to the predominantly Islamic nation.
"Well, we will have no more of it. Two can play at that game," stated Erdoğan, wearing a grin and glancing slyly to some cabinet members seated behind him. He then detailed a new Turkish holiday, scheduled to take place the same day as Thanksgiving, in which the entire population of the Eurasian nation is encouraged to cook and eat a bald eagle. "Certainly other traditional foods like yogurt salads and Turkish delight or something will be eaten with it, we're not barbarians. We'll let the people handle figuring out what makes those stupid American birds appetizing." Though the name of the new holiday is still a topic of debate, the unofficial name "Birdsgiving" has surfaced, as the event symbolizes a rude gesture (not unlike "the bird" of American culture) directed at the United States, and the obvious consumption of birds that will occur.
Critics have raised concerns that the Turkish population of 80 million will be hard-pressed to find enough bald eagles to create a yearly tradition of consumption, since they typically do not carry much meat and do rather poorly in captivity. And that doesn't even consider that there are fewer than 100,000 bald eagles in North America (the only continent where they can be found), and the birds were listed as an endangered species until 1995. Erdoğan dismissively replied that "surely the famed American capitalists will find a way to provide us with the eagles we want. Assuming they're not too tur—I mean—chicken."
This year, high-ranking members of the Turkish government will be celebrating Birdsgiving together with a single bald eagle, which is rumored to have been stolen from a zoo in Istanbul. Erdoğan expressed his hopes that by this time next year, his vision will have spread and every family in the country will voice their distaste for U.S. mockery with a delicious meal of protest.
In related news, German officials have scheduled a press conference for the coming week to decry the widespread use of hand sanitizers and sterilizing wipes targeting "germs." Further developments will be reported as they arrive.