OREFIELD, PA—The nation is in uproar this week as turkeys east of the Mississippi have turned on their owners in a massive and violent insurrection that has already claimed over 340 human lives. Ground zero for the rapidly spreading tumult is Maindell Turkey Farms in Lehigh Valley, located in Orefield, Pennsylvania. The owner and president of Maindell Turkey Farms, David Maindell, addressed the nation despite serious injuries, including a missing right eye and mutilated right arm.
“Nothing could have prepared us for that day,” Maindell stated somberly, almost to himself. “Don’t get me wrong, we know that single turkeys can be dangerous by themselves but they are usually much more docile. We all knew that a turkey apocalypse was theoretically possible but this…this is far worse than our worst nightmares. I lost a dozen good men in the first hour of the onslaught, not to mention all the tractors, equipment, and infrastructure that these demons destroyed. The critters tore through our men and fences like they were tissue paper.” Maindell lifted up an apparently dead turkey with his relatively healthy arm and continued, “This little guy took my eye and arm before I finally took his life. We were pretty equally matched for strength but I had a reputation to uphold. Anyway, I’m not really sure what set them off. We usually produce about 750,000 turkeys a year and this was a record-breaking one, especially with Thanksgiving.”
The chaos that Maindell described spread with celerity to other turkey farms, as the Maindell turkeys incited the others to unified violence. Farms were not the only target of violence as the birds have been seen to strike at any location in their path that has harvest or Thanksgiving memorabilia and signage. Big box retailers, supercenters in particular, have proven to be a one-stop shop for destruction for the feathered menaces, who will destroy all signs of Thanksgiving and grab a bite to eat before continuing to their next target.
The National Guard has been mobilized in all states east of the Mississippi River as the situation continues to spiral out of control. Martial law has been declared in several states with strict curfews enforced. Despite these measures, the turkey conspirators now outnumber the armed forces. There is also some worry that the turkey rebels may take a foray into other countries, perhaps even commandeering seafaring vessels and embarking for other continents.
The human population in the eastern United States is exhorted to stay indoors at all times; pets should be kept inside. Moreover, if the reader has not already done so, you should remove all Thanksgiving décor, discard any turkey meat, and put up your Christmas or Hanukkah decorations immediately.