LAS VEGAS, NV—With today being Halloween, the legitimate albeit typically underground worshipers of Satan, also known as the Prince of Darkness and Father of Lies, are hoping for a bounteous harvest of human souls this year. The Halloween season is one in which Satanists of the various sects and ideologies can lay aside their differences in old fashioned Satanic malice and reap the souls of trick-or-treaters and their parents, whether as willing and long-living converts or as short-lived human sacrifices. An anonymous, demonic high priest of an underground sect spoke with reporters earlier this week.
“Alright, I’ll kick this off by saying, Hail Satan! Now that the formalities are out of the way, let me just say that it’s been a mixed year in terms of what we’re expecting for the holiest of days. Republicans are in office, which does not typically bode well for the number of evil souls that we can convert to our cause in the long term; then again, Netflix just added The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina to its video-streaming service, so that may actually play in our favor, at least with the show’s target audience or demographics.
“Also, enforced border security means that we will have fewer potential illegal immigrant children, at least for the domestic chapters of our cult; Mexico will likely see a decent uptake this year in human sacrifices, which are typically preferred to be Christian. However, our domestic cult members have plenty of candy and other enticements for the little as-yet-unwitting victims; we may even hit up a few church trunk-or-treats. Actually, once the kids are knocked out, it’s like carrying a sack of potatoes. Thanks to the nature of the holiday and the Purge movies, which many Americans mistake as a documentary, most people don’t ask questions.”