SAN ANGELO, TX—A homegrown wreaker of havoc struck again this Saturday against unsuspecting civilians Mary and Carl Greene.
Shattering their dreams of a clean and tidy household, Mary was horrified to enter her kitchen on Sunday morning only to find the grotesque scene. The perpetrator had left a puddle of about a quarter of a cup of milk on the kitchen floor.
"I was just heartbroken," shared Mary, 34, through sobs and tears. "I had just mopped it on Saturday. Why me? I mean, what did I ever do to anybody?"
Unfortunately, it is precisely this question that makes the domestic terrorist so effective. His tactic is to strike in unpredictable and senseless ways, at times that are the least convenient for his targets. He shows no remorse for the damage he does, and shows no signs of stopping.
Carl, 37, shared his recent experience as well. "I was about to make some breakfast—potato pancakes, a family favorite. Well anyway, I went to pull my favorite spatula out of the dishwasher, and that's when I saw it—I nearly fell over, I was so horrified." He went on to explain that someone, presumably this same suspect, had apparently put a purple crayon in the dishwasher, causing it to melt and stain the interior.
"Is there no justice?" added Carl, visibly shaken. "That thing was only about 6 months from retirement!"
Other incidents the family has noticed is urine splatter near and around their toilets, missing or out-of-place toys and other items, and several tripping hazards left throughout the house.
As the perpetrator has made no attempt to place demands or indicate the motive for instilling such chaos in the Greene household, the couple and parents of a 4-year-old boy have little hope of finding a resolution.
"I suppose this is why they call them terrorists," said Mary. "They just do things to cause anarchy. They don't want anything in particular, they just want us to not know what they're going to do next. Well, it's working. I have to admit, it's working."
On a positive note, the mystery perpetrator does not seem to have caused notable trauma to the Greene's son, Charlie. In fact, when reached for comment, he seemed unaware that anything was amiss.