TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA—Following the completion of his most recent assignment, Eleazer Cohen—also known as the Talmudic Vampire Slayer—opened up to reporters about his disappointment that he has to use a crucifix as a regular part of his job. Cohen is a practicing Jew and reports annoyance at the predicament.
“Oy vey! I would have warned you not to get me started but here we are,” Cohen said with dismay. “Yeah, so I grew up dreaming about becoming a vampire slayer; I was way into Blade and Buffy the Vampire Slayer but no one told me how important it was to carry around a cross; I didn’t think that I would have to be carrying around the symbol of a different faith every workday. Also, I was disappointed that I couldn’t use ninja Stars of David.”
While Cohen does wear a silver Star of David necklace, he reports that “it doesn’t seem to do anything, except maybe make them madder if they were skinheads, clansmen, or neo-Nazis during mortality.” Cohen also has a Star of David emblazoned on the back of his black leather jacket, which is the current style of many vampire hunters except in hot climates or during the summer months of particular regions. Cotton is the preferred choice for those situations, Cohen reports.
“Anyway, I started wearing a full-sized crucifix around my neck to help me with the undead. Assignments went fine for the most part, though judgmental vampires would sometimes say, between hisses, ‘What’s a Jew doing with a crucifix?’ Then, anytime one of my vampire hunter friends, whether a goy or Jew, would see me with the emblem, he or she would ask excitedly if I converted. Some cities and countries don’t have synagogues, so it’s sometimes hard to attend so that I can dispel some of these questions.
“And heaven forbid that my parents, fiancée, or rabbi catch wind! I switched to carrying a small cross keychain but that didn’t quell any of the rumors or my friends’ curiosity. Eventually, I decided to get rid of it altogether; I mean, if I were really in a bind, I figured that I could tape two sticks together and call it tov (that means 'good' for the Gentiles that will be reading this). I tried compensating by using a garlic-based deodorant; I’ve also been thinking of trying this garlic mashed potatoes toothpaste I heard about in the U.S. Also, it doesn’t hurt that most Jewish cuisine is rich in garlic. However, a vampire hunter needs all the help one can get; I barely made it out of this most recent scuffle in one piece. I almost went kaput there for moment.”
Cohen stated that he would probably start carrying a full-sized crucifix again but that he would keep it in one of his large pockets so it was less obvious. He was also contemplating using only wooden stakes with Hebrew writing on them to slay the vampires. When asked further about his future plans, he stated only that his next assignment is in the small town of Forks, Washington, in which there were reports of a family of vampires and some werewolf sightings.