ANNAPOLIS, MD—In a press release that has caused confusion and some controversy around the nation, the Entomological Society of America (ESA) besought all citizens of the U.S. to hear its warnings regarding what is commonly known as a "potato bug."
The insect (Stenopelmatus fuscus) is also known as a Jerusalem cricket, although it is native to North America and is not a cricket. It is a large insect whose bites may be painful, but not venomous. It was, therefore, not immediately clear why the press release was worded with such urgency.
For example, the release read, in part, "These creatures are among us, even now. They lurk in our fields, feasting upon our crops, lying in wait. We urge every mindful person who can read this to think of your children. At any moment, you or your child might stumble upon one of these beasts. Is that something you are prepared for? Is this a world you want to live in?"
The general tone of the release was largely fearful and even phobic. It is fair to say that much of it was totally and wholly irrational, such as in the statement, "we have been studying these kinds of creatures for our whole lives. We have no idea what they are capable of. Their soulless eyes reveal nothing but a void of conscience and feelings. Yes, they feast upon our tubers now, but what happens when those no longer satiate their thirst? What then? An uprising, we tell you! There will be an uprising the likes of which the earth has never seen!"
Although the release stopped short of suggesting full-blown inter-species war, it did seem to strongly imply that such a mass, targeted extinction is the only solution.
"We implore you, responsible curators of the earth, to think what may happen if we do nothing about these vermin. One could be hiding in your shoe one morning, or one may surprise you as you go to check your mailbox. Something has to stop these creatures. If not we, then who or what? We are nigh upon the end. Will we go fearfully, or will we show these insects that we are not the frail, morbidly obese, indifferent beings they think we are? Will we defend our lives, our liberty, and our potatoes? Do we want a future full of chaos and terror, or one with peace, harmony, and plenty of French fries?"
Calls to the ESA were answered only by a recording that repeated "They're here! Save yourselves!" in a screaming and terrified voice before abruptly hanging back up. There are suspicions that this is merely a Halloween prank, but as of press time, there were several reports of an apparent hostage situation or something similar at the ESA's headquarters.