POCATELLO, ID—The world responded with shock and disbelief on Wednesday afternoon when it was made public that Mr. Potato Head, the iconic child's play thing, has a past that he has worked to keep out of the public eye.
Mr. Head, under the advisement of his attorneys, addressed the nation with a prepared statement earlier this week, in which he admitted that he has not been entirely transparent. He was under pressure to make the statement after he was photographed with an as-yet-unidentified potato on a beach in Cancun, Mexico, and cradling a tater tot as if it were his own. As social media exploded with the news, and the photographs went viral, Mr. Head's manager deflected and denied rumors, suggesting that Mr. Head was visiting friends or may have made some new friends while on vacation. Other photos showing him warmly embracing a bikini-clad potato and kissing the tater tot on the head suggested something deeper and more scandalous.
The beloved toy and movie star explained with a quavering voice, and appearing on the edge of tears that, "For several years, I have been less than faithful to my dear wife, Mrs. Potato Head. I am ashamed to say that I let the fame and prestige of my position get into my head, which is about 90% of me, by the way, and I drifted into the wiry arms of another potato."
Although he did not answer questions at the press release, it is speculated that Mr. Potato Head is, in fact, the father of the tot in the photographs. We have blurred the photo out of concern for the child's privacy, but it shares a striking resemblance to the exaggerated features of Mr. Head.
These events come at a particularly harsh moment, after the once-beloved comedian Bill Cosby was revealed to have a long and dark history of sexual assaults on women. The public has had to face some hard truths about the idols they had as children.
"It's just not the world I thought I knew," shared Karen Yates, 41. "I used to think that my childhood idols were perfect. They were examples of morality. I chose my college major [agriculture] in large part because of Mr. Potato Head. Now, I don't know what's up."
As questions about Mr. Potato Head's secret life remain, many have called into question whether he has been truthful in other areas. One lifelong fan, Cami Loveless, 40, commented "I'm not entirely convinced that he is still using his original ears. If he's willing to lie about a whole other family he has, who knows what other things he's been pulling?"