CINCINATTI, OH—Crest released the latest of its Dinner Collection of flavored toothpastes in North America yesterday, “Garlic Loaded Mashed Potatoes.” Crest brand, part of the American multinational company Procter & Gamble (P&G) and the best-selling toothpaste in the U.S., has been investing heavily over the past decade in marketing, research, and development to stay abreast of changes in the consumer market. Garlic Loaded Mashed Potatoes represents only the most recent manifestation of that effort to appeal to the general populace while addressing oral health. P&G’s president and CEO, David S. Taylor, had only praise and high hopes to offer ahead of the product’s launch.
“Our Garlic Loaded Mashed Potatoes,” Taylor said, “is the culmination of lots of blood and sweat for the company’s R&D [research and development] team. This flavor will go on to join the rest of the Dinner Collection, taking its place among the likes of such popular flavors as Supreme Pizza, Buffalo Chicken Ranch, and Home-style Mac & Cheese (made with real bacon).” Taylor continued his public statement by stating that there will be a toothpaste “for every occasion and every palate.”
“Next month, we will roll out the Dessert Collection of our flavored toothpaste. Mint Chocolate, Peppermint Mocha, and Rocky Road are just a few of the flavors that we will offer at that time. By the New Year, we should have our Breakfast Collection of flavored toothpaste ready to hit shelves; that will initially include Bacon & Eggs, Biscuits & Sausage Gravy, Cheesy Grits, and Brown Sugar Oatmeal. These are some of the flavors that our test markets have requested the most.”
Other company spokespersons have praised the adjusted Crest formula present in the current and forthcoming flavored offerings. All varieties will have extra lard to give teeth an extra, lustrous sheen; acidity has been increased to help kill bacteria and remove pesky enamel, the heavy outer layer of the teeth that make chewing a burden. Additionally, the flavored toothpastes do not contain any fluoride, a highly toxic substance which has been shown to lead to dental and/or skeletal fluorosis among other diseases.
“Other benefits are specific to each collection,” reported one marketing specialist. “To promote appropriate levels of salivation and contribute to tooth-whitening, the Dessert Collection will include both sugar and aspartame, a widely used artificial sweetener praised by nutritionists for its known health benefits. Similarly, the savory varieties of the Dinner and Breakfast Collections are fortified with high concentrations of sodium chloride, popularly known as table salt; since most Americans do not ingest enough of the mineral, Crest has adjusted the formula to include an adult’s recommended daily sodium in the average amount of toothpaste used in a single brushing. Brushing several times a day with—or even swallowing—the sodium-fortified toothpastes will not pose a threat as salt is water-soluble and it is virtually impossible to overdose. Sodium has also been linked in some manner to heart and overall health.”
Taylor finished off the press event by saying, “Even if you have plenty of other toothpaste bottles to brush through, don’t worry. Crest has Licorice and Sour Patch Kids flavors of dental floss. Also, after brushing, be sure to try our new Mountain Dew, Tennessee Barbecue, or Garlic Butter mouthwash.”