Fantasy Football Apparently Does Not Involve Dragons, Unicorns

TOLEDO, OH—A recent investigation into the nature of popular sports activity fantasy football revealed it may not be as fantastical as the name suggests.

Uninventive individuals across the United States gathered this week to hold drafts for their fantasy leagues. This involves selecting actual NFL players for one's imaginary team to then earn imaginary points by tracking actual performance in actual games. Many participants bet actual money on the imaginary outcome, but even with these pretend elements of the activity, it hardly earns the "fantasy" description.

For one thing, fantasy football lacks mythical creatures one expects from the fantasy genre; participants pick boring human team members, and with the exception of the Tennessee Titans and New York Giants the team mascots aren't even imaginative. Where are the dragons? The unicorns? The ogres, wizards, elves, and trolls? The players aren't given any special powers, weapons, or armor: they're just plain, mortal guys. Also, nobody even dies in this so-called fantasy, which is probably the most unrealistic thing about it!

So if you're looking for some actual fantasy entertainment this fall, take a break from the football to read a cool novel or play Dungeons and Dragons. Better yet, join the kids for some good old-fashioned playing pretend.

The new acceptable name for fantasy football is "fake football." The Colon will not be taking questions at this time.

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