SPRINGFIELD, IL—In what has become his 17th exercise of the weekly ritual, area man Kevin Bauer, 28, stopped by a local grocer on his way home from work to purchase kale, which he then promptly placed in his refrigerator, from which its fate was sealed to slowly begin to wilt.
The fifth year doctoral student, who is studying biomechanics, has with almost a sense of reverence, purchased the leafy green with full intentions of eventually consuming it with some sort of meal. However, given its infamous bitter taste, Bauer inevitably neglects to ever actually remove the kale from its refrigerated tomb until it has gone bad.
As if forgetting that section of his icebox exists for seven straight days, Bauer, when hungry, will search through every other square inch of his kitchen in search of something edible, but never once opens the drawer in which the nutrient-rich vegetable dwells. Somehow, he knows, as if by an unconscious internal clock, that the kale needs replacing each week, for it is then, and only then, that he removes the wilting plant from its temporary resting place, replaces it with the fresh-but-destined-to-be-wasted kale, and then sends the wilted leaves down his garbage disposal. Still, he has performed the ritual so many times that it is now only through rote muscle movements rather than with any true awareness of what he is doing. Indeed, at the most recent repetition, he was on the phone with a friend while also half watching what was on the television, and yet still moved fluidly through the process.
Sources close to Bauer fear that he has no idea how to actually cook kale, and perhaps that is the issue. Still, the man has internet access, and so it is difficult to believe that is the obstacle to his consuming it. Others wonder if he has some ulterior motive in his purchase, such as supporting the farmers who grow it, or trying to impress some health-conscious, attractive cashier at the grocer. However, when asked why he would let the plant wilt in his refrigerator for so long before ultimately disposing of it, none of the theorists had an answer.
Perhaps one day the cycle will break, but the inertia seems unstoppable for this ritual. As of press time, Bauer was seen, as if compelled by something beyond his control, making his way toward the fresh produce section of the grocery store.