WASHINGTON, DC—Authorities on the topic everywhere signed a joint announcement that was made on Saturday reminding the public that almost everything they are doing is unnecessary.
The report is the result of thousands of considerations that were taken over several years, nearly all of which were determined to be not absolutely needed. For example, the report states, in part, "Apart from staying hydrated, fed, and sleeping fairly regularly, whatever else you are doing is probably just a hassle."
The experts admit that, whereas staying sheltered from extreme weather is certainly basic to one's existence, even that applies only to a portion of human beings. Likewise, clothing is even optional for many climates all over the world.
Specifically, the report states, "That swimsuit you're really worried about fitting into? We hate to break it to you, but there's no real need for that. Oh, and you know that job you're always going to that you think is a big deal? It's not. There are plenty of nuts and berries a few miles from your home, ripe for the picking if you get hungry."
The report is especially disparaging of romantic relationship worries, as it states, "You can just forget about that guy who works at the record store and you think sometimes flirts with you but you're not sure. He doesn't actually matter. Think about it. Is your stomach full of food? Have you got a place to lay your head at night that is relatively safe from predators? Then there you go, princess."
Aside from materialistic and romantic interests, it seemed that no stone is left unturned by the experts. Even psychological needs, as Abraham Maslow theorized them, were specifically shot down. "Hey, that sense of accomplishment that you keep chasing after from job to job and task to task? That is anything but paramount to living. Are you still trying to impress your parents? Does that seem indispensable to you, sweetheart?"
Then, as the final jab to everything that you may think is important in life, the report ends with the statement, "Now, last and quite possibly least is the fact that you're reading this report. Was that really crucial to your survival, pumpkin?"
Reactions to the report have been largely a sense of deflation and even nihilism. Many are questioning why they even bother to do anything anymore. In fact, even typing seems rather pointless. Because really, does anybody really need to read this? Is it really going to be life-changing for somebody out there? I mean what would even happen if I didn't even finish this sent-