PHILADELPHIA, PA—What started out as a relatively calm and even lethargic protest for toddlers' rights to stay awake a little longer quickly took a turn for the worst at 7:08 p.m. on Thursday night.
In a show of unity, approximately 280 children between the ages of 1 and 3 years locked arms and marched down the streets of Philadelphia outside of city hall, chanting "We're not sleepy!" repeatedly. Witnesses report that, at first, the chanting was a little whiny and slurred, and the youngsters seemed to drag their feet a little, also often rubbing their eyes.
Law enforcement came to the scene to ensure the peace, as Officer Derri Jackson, 38, shared. "Yeah, they do this sometimes. It's often pretty spontaneous, but we like to keep an eye out right around 6:30 or 7 each night to see if they start to do this. Usually, we just have to wait it out a little and they'll disband and go looking for their blankies and what have you."
Unfortunately, this particular protest did not end well. The demonstration drew the attention of several counter-protesters in the area, mostly middle-aged individuals holding diaper bags, with worn-down expressions on their sleep-deprived faces. Witnesses related that these counter-protesters were generally calm, but that their voices were firm.
"With each chant from the toddlers of 'We're not sleepy,' the other group would firmly say in unison, 'Yes, you are.'" shared Officer Jackson, a father of 3. "This was where the fuel met the fire."
According to the official report, whereas the counter-protesters stood firm, several witnesses stated that the toddlers seemed to spontaneously combust in a rage, the likes of which are seen only in demonic possession films. With apocalyptic cries of agony and ungodly screams, the full fury of the Toddler Advocacy Group, or TAG, was unleashed upon the city.
"It was like something out of a war zone," described Officer Jackson. "There was hair pulling, they were throwing their toys at strangers, and at least one little guy tore his shirt he was pulling it so hard."
The situation deteriorated more quickly than anyone could salvage it. It seemed the entire 4-block radius of the demonstration had turned to total anarchy as cars were overturned, buildings set ablaze, and runny noses went unwiped.
The destruction and chaos lasted for approximately 20 minutes and then, just before the air support arrived to cleanse the area, there came an eerie quiet.
"It was surreal to watch," explained Officer Jackson, a lifetime resident of the city. "It was like the ninth level of hell, and then, out of nowhere, one of them dropped the brick she was carrying, yawned, and rubbed her eyes for a while. Then others started to do the same thing. Before I knew what was happening, they had all sat down, sort of resigned."
Indeed, just as quickly as it began, the rampage had ended. The toddlers were quickly taken into custody, put into pajamas, and tucked into their respective beds.
Although no charges have yet been filed for yesterday's events, law enforcement officials remain vigilant. "We learned a lot from last night's debacle. We now have procedures in place to have some cheese crackers on hand, and several sippy cups of milk. We're training officers to read simple bedtime stories, and to do better voices for the characters. But the main thing we got out of this was that these things are totally unpredictable."
When reached for comment, the main office of the Toddler Advocacy Group had only this to say: "I wanna juice! Gimme a juice!"