LAS VEGAS, NV—Sunday afternoon took a turn for the worst for area man Kip Richards, when his pace toward the office was severely diminished as he approached a wall of obese pedestrians headed in the same direction.
The scene was disheartening, to say the least, as Richards described it. "There I was, just keeping up my normal pace, checking my watch every now and then to make sure I still had enough time to get to work," he said. "I had just gotten across a busy street, when I looked up, and there it was."
Richards explained that there on the sidewalk in front of him were three enormous people, shoulder to shoulder, taking up the width of the walkway.
"There was just this large wall of flesh and shame in front of me, slowly shuffling its six feet to move a few inches at a time," Richards related.
The waddling obstacle was insurmountable, taking up virtually every square inch of concrete designated for pedestrian travel. Although their pace was slow, their momentum must have been enormous, as Richards described how they destroyed everything in their path.
"I saw them coming up on a tipped over trash can, and I thought for sure that one would slow down to go around it, but they just flattened it like it wasn't even there!"
The nearly delayed Richards was forced to be inventive if he was to make it to his place of employ at the arranged hour. He reportedly tried to go into the street for a moment, but the traffic was just too thick during the morning rush hour. He thought perhaps that he could get the mountain of human beings to hear his cry to pass, but it seemed they could not hear through the roars of their heavy breaths through their mouths.
"I was starting to panic," said Richards. "I was a few minutes behind schedule by that point, thanks to the Great Wall of Blubber."
Finally, just as all seemed lost for Richards to somehow pass the roughly 1,200 lbs. of culminated self-indulgence and sedentary neglect, he saw a glimmer of hope.
"The next store was a bakery, and something told me that this juggernaut was just about to reach its final destination."
Fortunately for Richards, he was right. The voluminous mass of flesh slowly veered to the left, presumably to gaze through the window at the rack of carbohydrates that they would never be rid of after ingestion. It created a gap just large enough for Richards to slip through their soft and surprisingly warm bodies.
Richards was relieved to be past the obstruction, making it into the office with just a moment to spare. But he has been changed forever by the experience, and now takes precautions to ensure it does not happen again.
"I keep a candy bar with me at all times now, just in case I need to throw it off to the side. That way I can swoop by them while they clumsily slap and shove each other trying to claim their prize."
The three persons in question could not be reached for comment, as their descriptions fit far too many residents of the area.