AURORA, CO—Sources reported early this morning that, although you are looking forward to enjoying the last of your peanut butter cookies after lunch today, the confection will most likely taste old. Despite your best efforts to keep the batch fresh since you baked it four days ago, there is only a 5% chance the sole survivor will meet your expectations.
Sure, you kept the baked goods in a sealed container stored in a cool, dry place, but you also opened and closed that container approximately eight times since this cookie was placed inside. That plus the fact that you used delicious, real butter rather than margarine or shortening in the recipe did not do you any favors with regard to shelf-life.
Look, no one's suggesting that you did anything wrong, even though you've almost definitely wasted a precious resource in the form of one sugary disc. Maybe you should let this disappointment be a lesson about the unyielding passage of time and the importance of living life to the fullest. Perhaps if you had been less miserly about your dessert portions, your last cookie wouldn't have to end up in the trash with banana peels and frozen burrito wrappers. Next time you bake a treat, go ahead and share it with others, and eat as much as you want while you still can.
Also, your milk expires on Monday, so you should probably use that up, the sources suggest.