WASHINGTON, DC—New legislation passed on Friday of this week that grants a Congressional Gold Medal to any person on U.S. territory who uses a turn signal while operating a moving vehicle.
The Congressional Gold Medal is the highest honor that Congress is capable of granting a civilian, whether a citizen of the U.S. or not. It is often held in similar esteem to the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and is not unlike knighthood in the United Kingdom. Although traditionally few of these medals are bestowed in a given year, a bill passed with almost no opposition in either the House of Representatives or the Senate, proposing that it be granted to literally any person who successfully uses a turn signal.
Just before President Trump signed the bill into law on Friday, Speaker Ryan read a prepared statement to gain public support for the proposal. He said, in part, "We are pleased to have the President's support behind our bill. Given the thousands of motor vehicle deaths, injuries, and property damage that occur each year in our beautiful country, we are hopeful that by granting the nation's highest honor to those who make even a minimal effort to drive less recklessly will make some sort of measurable impact on the number of automobile-related incidents."
Speaker Ryan explained the eligibility criteria for what is called the "Medals and Pedals" initiative. He stated, "The essential requirement is that you be a living being that is in the operation of a working motor vehicle, and that you appropriately use the turn signal function of that vehicle to show to other drivers and pedestrians where you intend to steer that vehicle. Anyone within a U.S. territory found doing this will be honored in a special Congressional meeting, and receive the Congressional Gold Medal."
Press who were present posed several questions to Ryan, who made some clarifications, including, "The turn signal is usually a stick just behind the vehicle's steering wheel, almost always on the left side. Your left side, that is. If you want to show people that you plan on turning the car or truck or bus or whatever toward the left, then you push the stick toward the floor of the vehicle. If you want to show people that you are going to steer the vehicle to the right, you push the stick toward the ceiling of the vehicle."
Ryan further clarified after several more questions from the press and that poured in through social media, "It might be the same stick as your windshield wiper controls... clockwise in relation to your steering wheel would be signaling a right turn... it usually produces a blinking light and a sound, but do not be alarmed..."
After much confusion and anxiety was expressed by the attendees, Speaker Ryan further stated, "We are going to be pretty broad here. Even if you use the signal for just a second before you make the turn, that's fine. You know what, even if you use the signal, but then change your mind and turn it off and don't turn after all, that counts."
The Colon reached out to the public for reactions to the new law, and support has been mixed. Gary Sumner, 47, of Sioux Falls, SD, said of the move, "I don't know. When I'm driving, I'm already pretty focused on my radio and my text messages. I don't know if I need one more thing to worry about."
Faith Resnick, 28, of Albuquerque, NM, commented, "Yeah, I guess this is cool for like, people who really know a lot about cars and stuff, but what about the rest of us?"
Yesenia Villareal, 51, of Macon, GA, felt that the medal was not an incentive. "What am I going to do with a big hunk of medal with some man's face on it?" she queried. "They want to offer me a free month of Netflix, or a gift card to some restaurant, and then maybe I'll try out this turn doohickey. But I don't need some medal."
Many others expressed concern about the cost of the device. "How much do these signals cost to have installed onto the car? I mean, I'm no millionaire," said Gene Hawkins, 39, of Omaha, NE. "When are these guys [Congress] going to do something that helps the 99%?"
Yet others remained confused as to how to qualify for the most prestigious honor that Congress can bestow. Craig Lawson, 50, of Cornwall, CT, commented, "I seem to recall having accidentally triggered a turn signal in '92. I was reaching for a french fry I'd dropped while cruising down I-91. Does that get me one of these things?"
Since the bill became law at 10:04 on Friday morning, national reports have found no confirmed cases of any correct-or-near-correct use of the signal, although there have been unsubstantiated reports that a dachshund sitting on its owner's lap may have triggered the vehicle's signal just as it was merging into traffic in Santa Monica, CA. Authorities are reviewing the details of the case to determine whether the canine can qualify for a congressional medal.