MADISON, WI—An unprecedented panic has unfolded recently as scientists discovered that there are literally billions of full-grown primates running loose in every city and village on the planet. These creatures have been seen entering dwellings, cleaning themselves, and feeding in hundreds of thousands of reports across the globe. They appear to often travel in herds, although it is not unusual to see a solitary adult as well.
Experts have found that these primates vary in weight, but many can grow up to 500 pounds or more, and some stand taller than 6 feet. They are recognized by their mostly bipedal movements, although they are known to sometimes travel by the use of a crude wheeled and motorized device with anti-lock brakes and power windows.
Although the beasts are relatively docile when feeding, sleeping, or watching television, they can become easily agitated and hostile at the tip of a hat. Experts warn that citizens near one of these creatures should avoid eye contact, keep their heads low, and never, under any circumstances should they bring up politics or religion.
Additionally, never approach one if it is currently or has recently been exposed to social media, as they are wont to behave erratically in such a state.
Several witnesses report that the large mammals appear to communicate with each other through a series of grunts and hand motions, however, most of their efforts did not appear to convey any meaning, so may play some as-yet-unclear social function aside from communication.
As far as plans to deal with the countless hairy bipeds aimlessly roaming the planet, scientists recommend a passive approach. By choosing to remain cautious in one's dealings with these primates, it is quite possible that they will simply disperse to Hollywood, kill each other off, or succumb to diseases that result from their lack of basic self-care.
Experts advise that if a single primate gets too close in proximity, do not engage it, but simply say the words, "nut allergy." This phrase sends the primates running in approximately 80% of cases. In other circumstances, it's advised to ask the primate to commit to a relationship, which scares off about half of them.
Under no circumstances should citizens feed the creatures, as it creates an extremely awkward conversation about how to split the bill, and there's always one of them who doesn't carry cash. It's best to keep all food in locked and elevated containers when these primates are around.
At this time, the best course of action is probably to remain indoors. If, however, you must leave the home, it is likely best to ignore any of the creatures you may encounter.