SILVER SPRING, MD—In a statement released Saturday by the Food and Drug Administration, the governmental body shared some ideas that stirred up controversy.
Although their address began with a required caution against eating raw dough that contains uncooked eggs, it was unclear what message they were trying to send near the end.
"Dear citizens of the world," the statement began. "As word of dangerously contaminated food spreads, regarding such things as E. Coli in some romaine lettuce, we wish to publicly advise caution against eating other common foods that may contain dangerous pathogens. Naturally, one of the best methods to avoid food-borne contaminants is to thoroughly cook all meats to their recommended minimum temperatures. Additionally, avoid eating any foods that may contain raw foods, such as uncooked eggs."
At this point, the speaker seemed to stray from the script by commenting, "Although, it is often very difficult to withstand the temptation of some of those foods. I mean, take cookie dough. Now there's a vice if ever I saw one."
The speaker, William "Bill" Chilton, 52, then backtracked again, "There is a real danger, however, in consuming foods with raw eggs. Salmonella poisoning is a concern for a small number of raw eggs, and has some very serious health consequences.
"But, you know. It's actually quite low if you look at it in context. I mean, it's usually the shells that are contaminated anyway, in the very few that are contaminated. So, if you were to wash off the shells thoroughly, you'd probably be just fine to mix those bad boys with some sugar, brown sugar, butter, flour, vanilla, and chocolate chips. No nuts though, because ew, am I right?"
The room of reporters was ostensibly confused by Mr. Chilton's remarks, and several hands raised. "So, are you advising Americans not to eat raw eggs in cookie dough?" asked Tricia McAllister of the New York Times.
Mr. Chilton responded, "Basically. I mean, raw eggs are a known carrier of salmonella. Well, some raw eggs, that is. Really, almost none of them if you want to get down to brass tacks. So if you're asking me, would I eat raw cookie dough, knowing that the eggs could get me very sick? I suppose I would answer, 'What kind of cookie dough? I mean, are we talking oatmeal raisin or snickerdoodle, or what?'"
Apparently still not clear, another reporter, Diedra Fawson, of the Washington Post, asked "But then, do you mean to say that people should exercise caution when deciding whether to eat raw eggs?"
"Okay, let me be clear," stated Chilton. "Salmonella is a serious condition. Do not eat raw eggs that have salmonella on them. But of course, you don't know which ones have it, and even if you did, you would probably have some rough tummy issues for a few days and then it'd be back to work, so if you were stuck between the choice of savoring a fistful of creamy, buttery, sweet-and-just-the-right-amount-of-salty chocolate chip cookie dough... We're all adults, right?"
Although more questions remained, Mr. Chilton called the press meeting to a close and then left.
The FDA responded to The Colon's follow up phone queries stating, "The Food and Drug Administration urges citizens to use caution in all of the foods they consume." After pause, the message then went on to state, "But, you know, some rules were meant to be broken. If we weren't meant to eat raw cookie dough, then maybe it shouldn't taste so good. I guess some people might say that if you eat cookie dough, the risk of salmonella is low enough, but the likelihood of having a party in your mouth is a sure thing, so..."
In light of the FDA's statements, reporters at The Colon are now running some tests on the effects of cookie dough.