ALEXANDRIA, VA—In a sobering report released by the American Association of Poison Control Centers on Thursday, the nation learned that a majority of its children are regularly exposed to potentially fatal levels of Nesquick, a common chocolate milk powder.
The powder, known for its smooth and rich, creamy flavor when added to milk, is a family tradition in most US households. However, while the AAPCC acknowledges that the substance is perfectly benign when used as directed, there have been staggering reports of overexposure.
For example, in their national poll of usage, the organization found that the average child between ages 6 and 14 consumes enough Nesquick in one sitting to fell an adult elephant.
Nestle, the company that produces the chocolate powder, has a recommended dosage of two tablespoons per cup of milk, but it appears that children who are old enough to make their own mixture, but still too young to fully understand the consequences of their actions, too frequently mix into a cup of milk between 4 and 12 ounces of the powder, in some cases causing the mixture to be too thick to drink by any definition of the word.
Nestle released a statement in response to The Colon's inquiries that read, in part, "Whereas we appreciate the children's enthusiasm for our product, and again emphasize that it contains 7 essential vitamins and minerals, we encourage parents to keep it out of the reach of individuals who are incapable of using it in moderation."
By what can only be described as a miracle, there are no documented hospitalizations related to these constant overdoses. Dr. Agnes Tucker, 62, a pediatric doctor, explained that, "It's truly remarkable. It's as if the average child is unable to taste the substance [Nesquick] in any normal amount, and yet they metabolize incredible amounts of it as if it were nothing. That's the only thing that would explain why they aren't immediately collapsing after consuming so many pounds of it within just a few days."
The AAPCC recommends general caution for parents who have children in a house where Nesquick exposure is possible, suggesting that they be supervised when mixing their own chocolate drink, or pleading that parents make it for their children when possible.
Overdose symptoms include "literal bouncing off the walls, the inability to blink for several minutes at a time, powdery bowel movements, and brown stains on the upper lip."