SMITHFIELD, RI—Haley Barlow, 29, is admittedly obsessed with the upcoming wedding of Prince Henry of Wales and Meghan Markle this May. By her own account, she spends "a couple of hours" each day poring over all the news regarding the latest announcements, reading about the couple's courtship, and the gossip about the event.
She has not read a real news article about U.S. politics since 2011.
"I just can't wait to see what [Inbal] Dror [dress designer] comes up with for the wedding gown!" she exclaimed after spending a full 196 minutes searching through every known image that had any ties to Dror.
Barlow, a part-time barista at a nearby coffee shop, purposefully changes the channel when any actual story that could impact her life comes on the station. Specifically, she has not heard more than 20 words in the last 7 years regarding the United States Government deficit, which is just under $1 trillion. Similarly, she cannot name a single elected official—in either local or national politics—aside from President Trump.
"I can't wait to see the pictures of their Namibia trip!" squealed the amateur interior designer regarding the couple's honeymoon destination.
Barlow has no discernible understanding of her Miranda rights, would have to only estimate what she pays in sales tax for her biweekly manicures, and cannot even imagine caring what cases are being heard by the U.S. Supreme Court this year.
"Oh my God! I would just love to be there in St. George's Chapel! Can you imagine how magical?" she added.
It would completely baffle Barlow to learn that there are 3 branches of the United States government. Indeed, she would only stare in total confusion as one explained the separate roles of the executive, legislative, and judicial arms of the federal government.
"I hope they have a baby right away!" longed the citizen who has thrice ignored jury summons.
Although she has been a United States citizen since her birth, Ms. Barlow cannot name more than 5 past presidents, and would almost certainly name Benjamin Franklin among them, though he never held the office.
"Did you know that the royal bride always plucks a sprig from a specific shrub in the Osborne House to keep in her bouquet?" queried the millennial who has no comprehension of how a bill becomes law, or that the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution has to do with things other than free speech.
"And have you seen the menu?" she asked, blissfully unaware that federal interest rates are likely to go up soon.
Barlow, who has not once voted in a nonpresidential election, denied suggestions that the Royal Wedding is "keeping [her] from remembering what's important." As evidence thereof, she offered that she still takes time to read up on celebrity gossip, too.