WALTHAM, MA—In the wake of yet another disappointingly unromantic Valentine’s Day, Presidents Day, Pi Day, St. Patrick's Day, and Easter, the National Spinster Society (NSS) released a statement this Friday reaffirming its dedication to 19th-century English novelist Jane Austen and those works attributed to her. Society spokeswoman Emma Jacobson read the following at a sparsely attended meeting earlier this week:
“Fellow spinsters, in this age where women no longer need men and marriage to be considered successful, we look to our our exemplar, Jane Austen, for the strength to continue our single [and in many cases celibate] lives.” The society, whose motto is “Together Alone,” emphasizes the fulfillment single women can find in life without the love of a man. “Because Jane [Austen] never married and is still celebrated decades later, she is our heroine,” explained Jacobson, 37, in an interview following the conference. "Among other things, we have friendship, careers, travel, and pets to occupy our attention."
Another way members of the society like to get their minds off the numbing loneliness they feel in singlehood is to read Austen’s novels and watch the associated films. Press conference attendee and society member Anne Wilson, 29, said of Austen, "I love her biting humor," and Wilson's friend, Susan Breckenridge, 31, added that she "really enjoy[s] how [Austen] satirizes romance.” When asked how they reconcile their apparent belief that women don’t need marriage to be happy with the fact that every single Jane Austen novel ends with engagement or marriage, Wilson and Breckenridge declined to comment.
The Colon has reached out to NSS president Emma Wilkins, 44, to clarify the society's stance on marriage despite strikingly opposite themes in Austen’s fiction. While Wilkins has yet to respond to requests for an interview, an Instagram investigation has revealed that she is safe at home with her three cats, Darcy, Knightley, and Bertram.