WASHINGTON, DC—The White House has announced a new cabinet post and executive department: the Department of Truth. "The President is sick and tired, " said the press announcement, "of seeing so much untruth - usually in the form of 'fake news' - assaulting the American people. "This department will help in stopping the flood of untruths and enable information purveyors to get government approval of their statements prior to making them."
The DoT, as it will be known, will have a task similar to the FDA and the EPA, although at a higher level of the Executive branch: the FDA, for example, checks foods and drugs offered to the public, to see if they might cause any harm if consumed. The EPA evaluates air and water quality for possible harmful content. Likewise, the DoT will prevent false information from harming the public.
President Trump had several Tweets on the new department. "It will be HUGE! That's because there is so much information out there that needs a government watchdog!" he tweeted immediately following the announcement. As the head of the new department, with the title "Secretary of Truth," the President has appointed Ted Bronkowicz, formerly with the Cleveland Indians, where he edited the team's newsletter, "Indian Doings" for six years after having to leave active play because of an accident in which he was hit in the eye by a baseball and lost sight in that eye. "It was no accident," says Ted. "That pitcher was Frank D. Ross, and everybody called him 'FDR' - and he knew I was a Republican! How 'bout that!"
Responding to some criticism about his choice of department head, Trump erupted: "Ted is the perfect choice! He has handled baseball information beautifully! I didn't want somebody who had been tainted with working in large-scale media. They're mostly Democrats, and they all have long noses! Somebody from Fox News? Nah, I'd be accused of trying to influence the Department's activities. Ted'll do fine! Wait and see!"
Responding to objections that the new department would be a national censor, Trump said, "Hey, anybody can say or print whatever they like, whether it's true or not! That's the American Way! They just might not get a truth stamp endorsement from the new Department. How is that infringing on anybody's First Amendment rights? Or maybe I mean Second Amendment... I'll have to check."
As a temporary location for the new department, the President has ordered officials to condemn under "eminent domain" the offices occupied by the Washington Post newspaper. "They won't be needing the space any longer - they can't hope to get DoT approval for anything."
Asked to comment on the new department, a spokesman for The Colon, Todd Blankenship, said, "Just remember that you read about it here first!"