WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference earlier this month, President Trump ordered all branches of the military to cease current operations. Sources in the Air Force, Navy, Army, and National Guard report that the executive order came as a complete surprise but that nothing could have prepared them for the rationale and directives that would follow.
“Many of you may wonder why I issued an order of cessation to our military’s projects at home and abroad,” the POTUS said. “Well, let’s just say that I finished a very interesting documentary from the 90s; you have no idea.
“Our forests, farms, and parks are filled with silent killers, capable of far worse than any of the terrorism that has threatened this great nation previously,” Trump said before a brief pause. “All of this nation’s trees and other wood species produce formaldehyde, which represents the deadliest biological weapon since anthrax and the deadliest threat on U.S. soil since 9/11.
“Let’s get nothing wrong here; every last one of these plants is a terrorist or potential terrorist. This is a grave issue that our brave men and women in uniform must handle immediately and with extreme prejudice. Therefore, all military branches will engage in the forced removal of all wood species to our detention camps at Guantanamo Bay, where military specialists will extract information by any means necessary. While it is expected that waterboarding and other conventional techniques for extracting information will prove fruitless—pardon the pun—, we have picked up some ideas from such media as The Two Towers and Fern Gully.”
In response to the president’s speech and directives, plant rights groups have since organized dozens of protests around the country, calling for an end to wood species exploitation and torture. Smuggled photos of trees’ treatment at Guantanamo Bay have made their rounds through social media and in major news outlets, like The Colon. These graphic images often portray trees and other wood-producing plants that have been tortured to death, whether sanded down and painted, formed into chairs, or processed into toilet paper. Perhaps the most gruesome image, which has appeared on the cover of Time, is that of a battered, sap-covered maple tree.