WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference this afternoon, Michael Stromberg, president of the United States Drug Enforcement Administration, articulated plans for the latest campaign to be undertaken by his organization in its ongoing fight against the illegal sale and use of drugs. In what will undoubtedly prove to be the largest operation ever launched by the institution since its inception 45 years ago, Stromberg announced intentions to put an end to the massive movement of white powder that seemingly falls from the sky seasonally. “The United States government can no longer turn a blind eye to the blatant disregard of laws surrounding controlled substances, which has continued unabated since they were drafted.” Surprisingly, this is the first attempt by any official organization to stymie the spread of what has been identified as the oldest drug in known history.
One key step in the group’s five-pronged plan is to investigate the as-yet-unknown origin of these sinister narcotics and the process of their manufacture. DEA forensic scientist Hana Suzuki remarks, “the real genius behind this compound is that, if not ingested, it somehow reacts with air and sunlight, resolving into normal water before we even have time to analyze it. We have no idea what it actually does to the body; by the time we get it back to our labs it’s already turned and any trace of the substance is replaced with simple, harmless water. Just the not knowing, it’s been a real thorn in the agency’s side.” Suzuki also mentioned the means by which the drug is projected into the lower atmosphere and distributed to entire cities as problematic for law enforcement personnel, which is why a significant portion of the organization’s 83 million dollar budget will be put towards researching the complicated scientific mechanisms at work.
“This ‘pure snow’ or whatever the kids are calling it nowadays doesn’t seem to fall as often as it did when I was young, but I suspect the cartels have just found more covert ways to push it,” says Stromberg, as flurries of the flakes blew around outside. “We strongly urge parents to keep an eye on their pets and children when it reaches their neighborhood. I’ve seen infants handling, playing with, and even ingesting this junk! Nobody ever thinks it’ll happen to their own family.” Data from the Federal Highway Administration shows that 24% of all car crashes are “pure snow”-related, with more than 1300 deaths and 116,800 hospitalizations yearly due to crashes caused by accidental use.
Despite the dangers, many citizens living in areas that routinely receive copious amounts of the narcotic reportedly don’t mind its arrival. Elba Morris, 27 says “I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s really pretty how it covers the trees, and if me [sic] and my loved ones aren’t abusing it, what’s the harm?” “It’s my favorite part of the year, when the ground is just covered in a fresh layer of the stuff and there’s a solemn quiet that you can’t replicate any other way,” remarks Coleman Myers, 44. Addressing these comments and others like them, Stromberg said “We simply have to improve the public’s education about this crap and the associated risks, which has been a significant factor in the release of this new initiative.”
Ski resorts are expected to undergo particular scrutiny moving forward, as patrons flock to those locations that boast “fresh powder” for recreational use. Stromberg foresees “a total shutdown of those locations that fail to comply with federal standards. We just can’t have the younger generation enticed by these volatile powder-kegs. Not on my watch, or that of the federal government.” Starting later this month, DEA agents will be given standard-issue shovels as part of the campaign to "Clean Up the Streets."