WASHINGTON, DC—President Trump is reportedly feeling the mounting pressure from his first year in office. Criticism for the inability to replace the Affordable Care Act, the addition to the national debt despite promises to the contrary, questions of Russian collusion during his election, and backlash for his reapeated comments attacking the First Amendment have taken a toll on the President, according to sources inside the White House.
One source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained that “it’s becoming more and more difficult for the President to keep up this charade of complete and total incompetence.” The President is allegedly actively working to suppress his natural ability to unify people around common aims and achieve seemingly impossible goals, for some as-yet-unseen purpose that is beyond the rest of the nation’s comprehension.
The source explains that he, too, struggles to understand the President’s methods at times, but “ha[s] seen him with the mask off.” He recalls a moment when President Trump revealed his true self. “It was back with all of that Charlottesville business. We were in the presidential limo on the way to the impromptu news conference [in New York], when [President] Don[ald Trump] looked deep in thought through the window. He said to me in the most serious and eloquent tone—sounding like Reagan, or Lincoln—how disgusted and ashamed he was that White supremacy still exists in our day and our country. He said to me, ‘Those misguided miscreants and their message of hate do not understand what our nation represents. They fundamentally are at odds with what I want for the American people. We all, no matter our race, deserve better.’”
The President reportedly continued on for several minutes like this on the drive before taking a deep breath, releasing it, and saying, “I only wish that I could let the Nation know how I truly feel.” The President then went on to make the infamous “on both sides” comments that added to an already-divided nation’s racial tensions.
“I can’t help but respect that man,” the source said. “Can you imagine the amount of focus it takes to spend every waking minute keeping nearly everyone in the world thinking you have no idea what you’re doing? Thinking you have no business being in a position of authority of any kind?”
President Trump reportedly has been working toward his façade of “word salad” responses and stream-of-consciousness speeches for years. “Not a lot of people know this,” the source explained, “but he has had the plan for this presidency in place for decades. It was his idea to create that tape of him admitting to sexually assaulting women. He worried that it was too subtle to just write in his books how he slept with married women and all that. He was the one who leaked the tape!”
When asked how he maintains his image of an utterly helpless and impulsive fish-out-of-water, the source explained that President Trump uses a sophisticated system of “mental judo” to distract himself whenever he is in the public eye. “To make it seem like he’s not making much sense and hasn’t thought about the words coming out of his mouth, he does these mental tricks while he does interviews and makes speeches. That whole “covfefe” thing in his tweet—in his head, he was simultaneously playing a game of chess against himself, and composing an accompaniment to Beethoven’s ‘Fur Elise.’”
“’Covfefe.’ You can’t make this stuff up,” added the source.
The source, who has worked closely with the President for more than a decade, went on to express surprise that no one has figured him out yet. “I mean, think about it. Do you really think it’s possible for him to be President of the United States if this guy you see retweeting alt-right sites and continually mocking Hillary [Clinton] is the real him? The fact that he’s kept this up so far is really to his credit. I bet he can go at least another term before letting up.”
During the course of the interview with this anonymous source, President Trump had threatened nuclear war with Madagascar, announced plans to “bring Yogi Bear back from the moon,” and commented in a hot mic how he’d “once been with two 15-year-olds who know how to keep their mouths shut.”