WASHINGTON, DC—The 20th Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Jerome Adams, has issued a somber warning recently about the dangers of sun exposure.
Although it has been known for some time that ultraviolet light from the sun's rays causes damage to elastin in human skin, and can lead to wrinkles, unsightly growths and abnormalities, and even cancers, Dr. Adams added new cautions to sun exposure.
Based on what he called "personal and anecdotal research," Dr. Adams warned that exposure to ultraviolet light, in the form of tanning especially, may be hazardous to individuals' plans to remain celibate.
His statement read in part, "I offer a strong warning that [tanning] not only carries with it the risk of premature aging skin, and multiple forms of cancer, but that it will very likely diminish any hopes to remain abstinent." Citing the "gorgeous bronzed tone that seems to suggest a chiseled and artfully crafted body," as well as "a sun-kissed image that denotes a wild, animal-like quality that intrigues even the most conservative of onlookers," Dr. Adams warned that nonincidental sun exposure "increases the risk of ending one's commitment to purity."
He added, "The danger lies specifically in improving one's image to the point that others are unable to withstand the timeless glory of a golden tone that looks almost edible. It triggers reactions of passion that are often untreatable with current technology."
Adams stressed that the best way to avoid these carnal consequences of sun exposure are to stay indoors, preferably away from windows, perhaps in a basement. "Think of how a naked mole rat would live, and try to do what they would do," he advised.
The top medical authority in the nation gave a serious warning that, once celibacy had been lost, there was no real cure. "There are ways of making lost virginity more tolerable, but truly everyone has only one chance at this, so please, carefully consider the consequences before going to a beach, jogging without a shirt, or hiking in a bikini top."
Since his comments, reports of sun exposure have risen 48%, causing Adams to question whether he was unclear in his statements. He is currently reported to be considering offering personal stories of people who tanned and then were unable to maintain their abstinence in a public statement so that others will better understand the consequences of tanning.
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