BOSTON, MA—Geneticists and graduate students at Boston University made a major breakthrough in an experiment that concluded in April regarding whether they could use a living cow's healthy body to grow another organism, in some ways similar to how a fetus grows with the assistance of its mother, sharing nutrients and oxygen through blood.
In this case, the researchers grew the rear end of a pig on the back of the cow, in an historical first. Despite their claims of success, many groups are protesting the event.
Despite the ethics involved with genetic engineering, most of the protests seem to revolve around the fact that no one outside of the research laboratory was invited to enjoy the product. A spokesperson for the largest protest group, Hungry Now!, said, "This sounds totally awesome. Beef and bacon on the same animal? Sign me the [expletive] up! But these academics, sitting in their ivory towers, were too stingy to share their delicious creation. We simple folk are left to scrounge for scraps of non-hybrid animals at various fast food locations, practically starving for a juicy bite at the university's table."
Protester Hank Evans, 36, shared his thoughts by stating, "If they had just told me, I'd have tossed my smoker in the back of the truck and hustled right on over. Heck, I'll even bring a 12-pack, but to hog all of that goodness for yourselves, I mean, that's just rude!"
The researchers continue to tout their success in having completed the experiment, and cite the implications for genetics, including the possibility of growing missing limbs back, or even replacement eyes for some medical conditions, however, their aims seem to have been misunderstood as the public demands hamburgers with bacon as soon as possible.
Boston University has issued a statement noting that the researchers will face a full internal investigation into why such an experiment was allowed to proceed without clear and public information on how the findings would benefit the drooling, hungry citizens of the U.S.