LARAMIE, WY—A team of researchers has released a report finding that, despite your wildest fantasies, you are, in fact, way past your prime, and no one has had a crush on you for the last several years. The sociologists and psychologists from the University of Wyoming found that, after extensive discussions with everyone with whom you have come into contact over the last 10 years, in addition to none of them finding you worthy of entering any thoughts that are not purely platonic in nature, the vast majority struggle to maintain eye contact with you. In fact, some of them have a difficult time being in the same room with you. Whereas you have been led to believe through a carefully choreographed game of socially acceptable behaviors and cues that you are tolerable to be near, the researchers wish to make clear that this is, in fact, farce, and that most people in your places of employment and regular human interaction either forget you immediately upon your leaving the vicinity, or actively wish you harm through the use of charms, wishes, pleading with various deities, or other rituals. Indeed, while it may be true that a few people years ago professed to think of you as a pleasant person, at least to look at, any such feelings were founded primarily on baser instincts toward procreation and mutual protection from predators. The researchers explicitly found that, had such things not been hard-wired into the mammalian brain, you would have been abandoned by your caregivers long ago. For the subjects who have children, whereas they may have held you in some regard for their first few formative years, they quickly pieced together that you are an incompetent hack, lost all respect for you, and then almost immediately gave up all hope for humanity or life in general. The researchers also emphasized in their report that, rather than taking comfort in the fact that you no longer need to try to appear socially desirable, let alone acceptable, you should actually be wholly and irreversibly psychologically damaged by their findings. The report states, "we encourage you to obsess over this fact for the foreseeable future, and to explicitly connect it to your personal worth as a human being. It is as bad as your worst fears, and it's time you treated it as such." The lead author of the report explained that the team has already begun a follow-up study to further dissect what about you is so off-putting, and expect to have the results published just as you begin to recover from this most recent barrage of emotional harm.